The Electron Pencil

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THE QUOTE

“Half the lies they tell about me aren’t true.” — Yogi Berra

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SANTORUM, THE LIBERAL

Okay, the Republican presidential primary race has officially turned psychotic.

Apparently, the closeted candidate, Rick Santorum, has passed the mannequin candidate, Mitt Romney, as the frontrunner for the nomination.

That’s scary enough in and of itself. What makes this shift in standings even more petrifying is the Romney camp’s reaction to it. According to political reporter Ben Jacobs in The Daily Beast, the Romney brain trust will now go all out in attacking Santorum and one of the biggest guns in its arsenal will be — oh, my aching head! — Santorum’s liberal voting record in Congress.

Liberal voting record!

Are these people out of their freaking minds?

I mean, I understand that Romney’s trying to prove he can be just as antediluvian as the next Republican but saying the words liberal and Santorum in the same sentence is about as ludicrous as pairing the terms Trump and decent human being.

Romney’s gang can’t be expected to fry Santorum over his twin preoccupations with homosexuals and women who insist that they have the right to enjoy sex. That is, not if he wants to have a prayer of gaining even one vote from a certain GOP base that sits around in its own flatulence from morning till night grumbling about fags and strumpets.

And he really can’t challenge Santorum on his other stances, which include building a wall on the US-Mexican border, privatization of Social Security, denial of climate change, his “drill everywhere” energy policy, his view that there is no right to privacy, and his embrace of “intelligent design.”

No, Romney can’t hit Santorum with those clubs because they are the weapons the Republicans have used successfully to bludgeon the sane among the electorate for a good 35 years now.

So Romney has to concoct a different kind of evil Santorum — and what’s more satanic than a liberal?

Commie

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I don’t know how the Romney boys are going to do it. Perhaps they’ll accuse Santorum of being soft on teenaged masturbation. They may even charge Santorum’s wife with buying a loaf of organic bread once.

I suppose this new strategy may work, though. Just uttering the word liberal in a roomful of Republicans makes them all break out in hives.

Still, it’ll be a tough sell. For pity’s sake, Santorum himself once even wrote that liberalism was to blame for the Catholic priest sex scandals.

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TOO THIN, TOO FAT, TOO SOMETHING

The IDS carries a compelling piece this morning on the pressures ballet students face to remain whisper-thin.

It’s been well-documented that many teenaged aspiring ballerinas fall victim to eating disorders.

Women have started to rebel against unrealistic body images imposed on them by fashion mavens, dance teachers, gymnastics coaches, and panting frat boys. But the blowback apparently hasn’t reached all corners of the distaff population as yet.

Still, it heartens me to see women like Adele make it big on world stage.

She is, after all, considered, well, large.

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Imagine that.

How dare she try to entertain us when she can’t even hide the fact that she doesn’t try to throw up every spoonful of yogurt she’s ever put in her mouth?

Now, the truth is Adele was a rather chubby young girl and even after she became a star she remained curvy. But of late, she seems to have slimmed down considerably, no doubt thanks to the constant harping of jerk record executives and verminous PR people.

But she’s no scarecrow as of yet so the tastemakers still cluck their tongues over her mass. Honest, even the seemingly almighty Oprah Winfrey was bullied into shedding excess padding by Vogue editor Anna Wintour.

“Stop Eating; That’s An Order.”

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I’ve got a bit of advice for my female friends. Whenever people criticize your form, tell them what I tell people who are idiotic, insulting, and insensitive: “Kiss my fat ass!”

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BABY GOT BACK

Generally, I’d prefer to hear a corrupt judge sentence me to the electric chair than any hip-hop music but this 1992 hit by Sir Mix-A-Lot fits perfectly here.

After this, I promise I’ll never post another rap, hip-hop, or house song again.

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