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THE QUOTE
“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” — Billy Wilder
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PRELUDE TO MASS SUICIDE
Hah! And you thought I was being obsessive by devoting so much of this space to those two execrable professional virgins who sing about Rick Santorum.
All I know is this morning’s TV and radio reports on the victories of god’s candidate in yesterday’s Mississippi and Alabama primaries feature snippets of the song. It has now earned the imprimatur of the corporate media.
First Love, my dear friends, has arrived.
“I Know What’s Best For Your Uterus!”
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And if, by some sick turn of history, the closeted candidate goes into the Republican convention with a chance to unseat putative front runner Willard Romney, the First Love earworm will become a pandemic.
Lady Gaga will wish she’d thought of penning a ballad extolling a rollback of reproductive rights and drooling over the dyed and addled Ronald Reagan.
[Headslap] “I Coulda Had An Earworm Hit!”
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KING OF THE SOUTH PACIFIC
Just in case you missed it, Willard won the caucuses in Hawai’i and American Samoa last night. Game On!
“Thank You, My Fellow Samoans!”
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THE ILLINOIS GUBERNATORIAL RETIREMENT PLAN
I met Rod Blagojevich the day he started campaigning for a seat in the Illinois House back in 1992.
It was a sunny Monday morning and this earnest-looking guy in a nicely pressed suit and a helmet of hair was handing out flyers in front of the Francisco stop on the Ravenswood el line. I looked at the photo on the flyer and then at the guy and said, “Hey, this is you.”
Vote For Me, I’ll Set You Free
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He got a big kick out of that. He flashed a smile that almost blinded me. Lucky I was wearing sunglasses.
He told me why he was the best candidate for the office. He seemed so serious and honest and self-effacing. He made a lot of people think that of him over the years.
He told me he was a neighbor. The Blagojeviches lived a block and a half away from me, on Francisco Avenue. I’d pass his house every time I walked down to the convenience store for a newspaper or an ice cream bar. His bungalow was notable in that it was surrounded by a tall, black metal fence, the kind Mayor Daley had given a sweetheart contract to one of his donor/cronies to surround every park in the city with. I guess Blagojevich figured he ought throw a little business that guy’s way as well.
Rod Blagojevich was nothing if not politically astute.
Well, to a point.
He turned awfully stupid when he was taped by federal prosecutors trying to sell President-elect Barack Obama’s US Senate seat.
Not Free
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Today he goes into the slammer for that and other crimes. He’ll serve about 12 years of his 14-year sentence in a minimum security facility outside Denver.
I needn’t recount all his in-office malfeasances and felonies here. Nor will I list all his embarrassing media exploits since being convicted in his impeachment trial in 2009.
I’ll only point this out; it may be his most despicable crime. In October 2002, Rod Blagojevich was the only Illinois Democrat in the US Congress to vote in favor of the authorization of George Bush’s bullshit Iraq war.
Enjoy your twelve year stay in the federal B&B, Rod baby, you earned it.
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FOLSOM PRISON BLUES
Dedicated to my ex-state legislator, ex-congressman, ex-governor, and ex-neighbor Rod R. Blagojevich.
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I lived at Manor and Agatite, a few blocks southeast of ‘da Blagos. Would see Rod running now and then, Patty here and there. For 2 years I bragged about the Governor living in ‘da hood. His first or second year in office, they participated in Ravenswood Manor’s giant garage sale. My precinct captain was there, smiling nervously. Patty was out, trying to sell, among other things, all Rod’s old law books. We chatted a bit. I turned to my precinct captain and breezily said: “He’s Governor now, you’d think he’d need these more now.” Patty said, “They got all that on computer — you don’t need these anymore. Wanna buy ’em?” I turned back to the precinct captain, who said: “Yeah, he don’t need those no more — he’s the Governor!” Patty ignored him and he stepped back, smiling nervously, eyes watching the crowd, his lowly status in the Northwest Side political machine reconfirmed. But later, he did get me 2 new garbage cans. Which is more than the Blagojevich’s ever did for me.