“People are strange.” — Robby Krieger & Jim Morrison
I MEAN REALLY, REALLY STRANGE
[A note from Big Mike: I can’t properly illustrate this screed and still have you read it at work. You’ll understand why in a moment. So I’ve decided to drop in photos here and there that, after a fashion, are exceedingly appropriate. Now, read on.]
A friend dropped in for a visit at The Book Corner yesterday afternoon. We fell into a discussion about the ridiculous things people do and think.
It occurred to me that I’d written about what is probably the absolutely weirdest new rage Wednesday.
Me: So, didja read my post about anal tattoos last week?
My friend: Oh yeah. And people are getting anal bleaches, too.
I slapped my forehead. I’d forgotten all about anal bleaching.
Now, if talk of the most hidden part of the human anatomy might make you feel a tad shivery, well, steel yourself, kiddies. This is an issue that must be addressed.
Why in god’s holy name would people on this good Earth be thinking so much about their sphincters that they’d want to redecorate them?
Do they feel a tattoo or a bleach will make the geography in question look, um, less anal?
I mean, how pretty can you make one of those things?
And who is the acknowledged arbiter of anal prettiness?
I don’t suspect Elle or Vogue or Self magazines have staffers assigned to the anal beat. Definitely not O — although that would be perfect on several levels. Ladies Home Journal? Nah.
So the standards for the esthetic appearance of your anus are, apparently, solely your own. In that case, why wouldn’t you simply say, Hey, it looks fine just the way it is?
I’m trying to get my brain wrapped around this thing but it isn’t easy at all.
At what point in your life do you say, Golly gee, my anus needs a makeover?
And think of how difficult it can be to inspect your down under region so that you might come to that conclusion.
There are living, breathing human beings in this holy land who have sighed, For goodness sakes, my anus is too dark; I’m in urgent need of a bleaching.
Some go one step further and announce, Y’know, I’d really be the talk of the neighborhood if I got a tattoo down there. I bet a floral wreath would do the trick. A nice tulip, forsythia and dogwood. I’ll be the envy of the block.
I’m puzzled by so many things my fellow species-mates do. Some believe there’s an all-powerful guy in the sky who helps you find your lost keys but, oddly, forgets to stop the tsunami headed for Indonesia. Others are certain Adam and Eve rode dinosaurs.
I see guys coming into Soma Coffee who have inserted wide plugs or spools into their earlobes. I knew a guy from a previous coffeehouse hangout of mine who actually had the fleshy part between his Achilles tendon and lower leg bones pierced.
Some people get sticks stuck through their nasal septa.
To all of whom I say, Have at it, as long as you understand you’ll never work anyplace that requires a hiring interview.
These people are so eager to let the world know that they are contemptuous of normality that they’ll mutilate themselves to prove it. Again, fine. I, too, am contemptuous of normality. Only I’m too chicken to stick a bone through my nose.
But the woman who gets star-stuck or aspires to have her dark spider turned vanilla has a very limited audience for her statement of rebellion or beautification, as the case may be.
Does she hope a lover might spy her freshly bleached channel and think, Hmm, now here’s a woman who covers all her bases?
Does he say, Man, am I lucky! I was afraid I’d catch a terrifying glimpse of a flesh-tone anus?
Perhaps the woman honestly believes she might hold on to a good man if she displays a wreathed or whitened entrance. If that’s the case, she’s clearly showing him the best part of herself.
LIKE THEY SAID
Here’s how I waste my time. How about you? Share your fave sites with us via the comments section. Just type in the name of the site, not the url; we’ll find them. If we like them, we’ll include them — if not, we’ll ignore them.
❏ I Love Charts — Life as seen through charts.
❏ XKCD — “A webcomic of romance, sarcasm, math, and language.”
XKCD: “What If?”
❏ Skepchick — Women scientists look at the world and the universe.
❏ Indexed — All the answers in graph form, on index cards.
❏ I Fucking Love Science — A Facebook community of science geeks.
❏ Present/&/Correct — Fun, compelling, gorgeous and/or scary graphic designs and visual creations throughout the years and from all over the world.
❏ Flip Flop Fly Ball — Baseball as seen through infographics, haikus, song lyrics, and other odd communications devices.
❏ Mental Floss — Facts.
Click For Full Article
❏ Sodaplay — Create your own models or play with other people’s models.
❏ Eat Sleep Draw — An endless stream of artwork submitted by an endless stream of people.
❏ Big Think — Tapping the brains of notable intellectuals for their opinions, predictions, and diagnoses.
❏ The Daily Puppy — So shoot me.
Electron Pencil event listings: Music, art, movies, lectures, parties, receptions, games, benefits, plays, meetings, fairs, conspiracies, rituals, etc.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
◗ People’s Park — Lunch Concert Series: The Gospel Gurlz; 11:30am
◗ Madison Street between 6th and 7th streets — Tuesday Farmers Market; 4-7pm
◗ The Venue Fine Arts & Gifts — Megan Richards presents “The Art of the TC Steele State Historic Site”; 5:30pm
◗ Unitarian Universalist Church — Auditions for the Bloomington Chamber Singers; 5:30pm
◗ Muddy Boots Cafe, Nashville — David Miller; 6-8:30pm
◗ IU Neal-Marshall Black Culture Center — Auditions for the African American Dance Company; 7pm
◗ Unitarian Universalist Church — Education and skill-training for caregivers presented by the National Alliance on Mental Illness; 7pm
◗ First United Methodist Church — Auditions for the Quarryland Men’s Chorus; 7:30pm
◗ The Player’s Pub — Blues Jam hosted by Cliff and the Guardrails; 8pm
◗ The Root Cellar at Farm Bloomington — Team trivia; 8pm
◗ Max’s Place — Comics night; 8pm
◗ The Bishop — Secret Cities, Legs; 9pm
◗ Bear’s Place — Victor & Penny; 9pm
◗ Ivy Tech Waldron Center — Exhibits:
“40 Years of Artists from Pygmalion’s”; through September 1st
◗ IU Art Museum — Exhibits:
“A Tribute to William Zimmerman,” wildlife artist; through September 9th
Willi Baumeister, “Baumeister in Print”; through September 9th
Annibale and Agostino Carracci, “The Bolognese School”; through September 16th
“Contemporary Explorations: Paintings by Contemporary Native American Artists”; through October 14th
David Hockney, “New Acquisitions”; through October 21st
Utagawa Kuniyoshi, “Paragons of Filial Piety”; through fall semester 2012
Julia Margaret Cameron, Edward Weston, & Harry Callahan, “Intimate Models: Photographs of Husbands, Wives, and Lovers”; through December 31st
“French Printmaking in the Seventeenth Century”; through December 31st
◗ IU SoFA Grunwald Gallery — Exhibits:
Coming — Media Life; August 24th through September 15th
Coming — Axe of Vengeance: Ghanaian Film Posters and Film Viewing Culture; August 24th through September 15th
I’m sure these misguided anal souls are simply bucking for induction into the Asshole Hall of Fame. You’ve included many of its illustrative luminaries, who, if you note, rarely gore new orifi into their skinsacks. You are also attributing an undeserved thought process to these anatomical mission statements. Obviously, there is an illiterate, or perhaps TOO literal, herd who didn’t learn Dr. Suess’ lesson of the Sneetches.
Happy New Year Uncle Mike.
Keep writing what a bunch of us are wondering…