Take Me To Your Leader
You think the GOP field of presidential candidates is already an overflowing clown car? You don’t know the half of it. Or even the quarter of it.
As of this AM, no fewer than 27 Republicans have declared themselves in on the 2016 lottery. Another two have active exploratory committees raising dough in their names. Those 29 are the somewhat serious among all those who’ve filed campaign declarations — or are about to — with the Federal Election Commission. Not to be terribly outdone, the Democrats thus far offer 15 honest-to-gosh candidates. Independents, Libertarians, the Greens, and other wannabe third parties have mustered up dozens and dozens of future answers to trivia questions. The numbers including such statesmen as Sydneys Voluptuous Buttocks of Buffalo, New York, or Ole’ Savior of Minneapolis, Minnesota. In fact, the FEC’s list of folks who’ve filed the necessary paperwork to run in the 2016 beauty contest has reached an astounding 421 names.
Here’s the latest comprehensive list of declared as well as just-about-declared Republican candidates for the 2016 presidential election:
Charles “Skip” Andrews III — 66-year-old father of 11; born on a US Army base in Frankfurt, West Germany 9don’t get your shorts in a bunch — anyone born to American parents on a military facility is eligible to become president); a Kansas construction and remodeling business owner, has written two books, one on personal morality and governance and the other on how the monetary system works
Michael Bickelmeyer — A self-styled inventor from Ohio, one of the gadgets he has a US patent application for is a space-based weapon system — it collects the sun’s rays while orbiting the Earthj, magnifies them, then directs them via mirrors and things and then directs them to the ground where they zap terrorists, swear to god; he also includes a photo of his birth certificate on his campaign website (you know what that means)
Kerry Bowers — A Nevadan who lists his strengths as “listening, planning, organizing, directing, leading and achieving” (sounds like he’d make a fine housewife); retired Air Force colonel
John Ellis “Jeb” Bush — Campaign slogan: “We’re all in this together”
Ben Carson — Retired neurosurgeon; writes hooray-for-America books; the GOP’s favorite dark-skinned Murrican
Dale Christensen — “I am first and foremost a family man and a patriot”
Chris Christie (exploratory committee) — The newly-svelte New Jersey governor is expected to announce next week
Ted Cruz — Another foreigner; Harvard-educated although he has mastered the art of speaking Ingnorantese
Brooks Cullison — Says “America, and indeed much of Western Civilization and the world are under seige by violent, barbaric jihadists whose ideology is extracted from Islam”; born in Vincennes, Indiana; now a lawyer and banker in Olney, Illinois
John Dummett, Jr. — No jokes about his name please — I’ll handle the humor around here; calls himself “a common ordinary patriot”; says things like, “I fear for our nation and our way of life,” and “Time is short”; he’s a god-ist who is strongly opposed to the usual evils: abortion, same-sex marriage, illegal immigrants, and anyone who believes the Constitution can be amended, I can’t find any info on what the 59-year-old does or did for a living
Mark Everson — A 60-y-o New England prep schooler and Yalie, Everson was raised in Yonkers; worked as an international propagandist for the US in the Reagan Administration; a CPA, after spending time in priavte industry, he served as Bush II’s commissioner of the Internal Revenue Service
Carly Fiorina — Former big cheese at Hewlett-Packard; acc’d’g to most observers, the corp. was in worse shape after she left than it was before she came aboard
Lindsay Graham — Suspiciously unmarried US Senator from South Carolina; digs war
Jim Hayden — “We are currently under constant threat of attack from the Muslims…. [W]e have got to defeat the Muslims….”; former Marine from Tennessee; does not dig the IRS
Chris Hill — Oops, he’s dropped out already!
Mike Huckabee — From a campaign ad for Huckabee’s previous run for president:
Mike Huckabee: My plan to secure the border? Two words: Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris: Mike Huckabee’s a lifelong hunter who’ll protect our Second Amendment rights.
MH: There’s no chin behind Chuck Norris’s beard, only another fist.
CN: Mike Huckabee wants to put the IRS out of business.
MH: When Chuck Norris does a push-up, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
CN: Mike’s a principled, authentic conservative.
MH: Chuck Norris doesn’t endorse, he tells America how it’s gonna be.
Bobby Jindal — Once warned fellow Republicans they must “stop being the stupid party”; Jindal and his Republican-led Louisiana state legislature recently passed a budget that will cut $600 million form higher education funding
Michael Kinlaw — A native Texan who moved to Colorado and even once ran for the US Senate from that state, he’s against and for everything that all the other conservatives are against and for except, oddly, he’s in favor of same-sex marriage; owned a mortgage banking co. that went belly-up during the 2008 mortgage banking crash; his website does not open up, which is probably appropriate
Dennis Michael “DML” Lynch — Documentary filmmaker who has taken on the “liberal media” and illegal aliens; is working on a documentary celebrating the confrontation at the Bundy Ranch in 2014; he also says he’s a public speaker and an entrepreneur
George Pataki — The former New York governor must be bored
Rand Paul — Honestly? A serious candidate for president
Rick Perry — sigh
Michael Petyo — Writes that the next prez should be, “[O]ne who is chosen by GOD to defend the rights of the people and their Nation. One who when he speaks the words will flow from his lips as does honey from a hive” [all sic]
Marco Rubio — Another serious candidate for president
Brian Russell — Boss at Florida’s Bluefin Investments, actually claims that because his brother is in the Army, he has a unique and valuable perspective on foreign policy
Jefferson Sherman — Government should be small, the military should be big, blah, blah, blah; he’s from Maryland, that much I know; all I could find out about what he does is a Radaris line that he’s worked in the “food preparation” industry — is a he a busboy? search me
Donald Trump — The clowns’ clown
Scott Walker (exploratory committee) — The Koch Boys’ boy
Okay? Now you’re a more informed voter. Stay tuned for all the Dems and other party candidates.
Not that I pray, but if I did….
For The Loved One, in honor of her birthday week