What Is Real?
Then again, maybe all the news these days is some big elaborate joke being played on us. D. Trump a possible president? Man, that was a Simpson’s joke twenty friggin’ years ago.
I mean, we should have known none of this claptrap the cable nets and the interwebs are throwing at us has been real the minute Anthony Weiner made the news.
Anthony Weiner taking pix of his junk and putting them on Twitter? They expect us to believe that?
It’s like a headline proclaiming D. Trump’s real surname is Klan or Scam or…, well, Asshole.
Now for some useful information. You can make you own pizza from scratch, as I often do. That is, actually rolling out your dough and stirring up your own herbed and spiced sauce, shredding your mozzarella, Fontina Val d’Aosta, maybe a little provolone, with some grated Parmigiano-Reggiano or Pecorino Romano tossed in, frying up your sweet Italian sausage, slicing your black olives, and dicing your green pepper.
That’s all a lot of work. Maybe too much toil in these hurried days. You shall receive my dispensation if you elect to go out and purchase a frozen pizza. Let it be known I, the Prince of Pizza, do not wish to condemn you to the eternal fires of hell should you go the easy route. That is, only if you consume any of the following brands:
- Home Run Inn
- Pizzeria Uno
Purgatory will be your fate if you buy these:
- California Pizza Kitchen
- 365 (Whole Foods Market house brand)
- Newman’s Own
You will be banished to hell should you even have in your freezer (much less actually put in your mouth) the following:
- Red Baron
- Lean Cuisine
Actually, you may be able to talk your way out of any penance at all if you indulge in 365 or Newman’s Own. They’re not sinfully horrifying. They’re merely a shade above mediocre. And don’t start thinking that just because the brand is “natural” or organic its pizza would necessarily be good. Annie’s pizza is spectacularly unremarkable. If a pizza doesn’t remain as vivid in your memory as a young lover then you’ve wasted your valuable time.
You may wish to take issue with these lists in the section provided for public comment below. But really why bother? You’d be wrong.
Oh, one more thing. You may notice I’ve omitted Tombstone from these rankings. That’s because — truth be told — Tombstone was the very first frozen pizza I’d ever eaten, way back when I was about 22 years old. Yep. And I shared many a Tombstone with the first young woman I’d every truly and deeply loved, so long ago, in those heady days of the very late ’70s and early ‘8os. Tombstone means a lot to me, its bizarre sauce and even more outré approximation of Italian sausage notwithstanding. So don’t say anything against Tombstone, savvy?
Speaking of eerily odd, here’s a GIF from the Tombstone outfit itself:
Yep, nothing like a disembodied, skeletal hand snatching a pizza, sloppily (note, its fingers go right on the melted cheese), off the counter to get a person in the mood for a slice or two.
This is important stuff, kids. Now pay attention.
Have you ever seen the meme that purportedly shows the correlation between US spending on science, space, and technology and the suicide rate? No? Okay, here it is:
Makes you wanna go, Hmm, no?
Thankfully, a story a couple of years ago in The Week poked a hole or two in that one. The Brit online mag did it simply by pointing out a couple of other Hmm-worthy charts. Like this one:
Sometimes it almost seems unfair how easy it is to disprove bullshit. Of course, I’m willing to bet this month’s mortgage payment the vast majority of citizens in this holy land who’ve seen the science/suicide meme couldn’t be convinced if Einstein, Newton, Aristotle, and god her/him/itself came down and said Uh uh, no.
OTOH, if Taylor Swift said it weren’t so, well, that might be a diff. story.
Sowing The Seeds Of Love
Yeah, I was in an ’80s trance last night. Lots of ’80s stuff was abominable. Hell, there were Phil Collins, Toni Basil’s “Mickey,” and perhaps the worst pop hit of all time, Starship’s “We Built This City.” Jesus, I need a drink. But, like any decade, the ’80s produced some fab cultural touchstones. Like this Tears for Fears Beatle-esque opus: