Hot Air: A Shower Of Puns

Lots of leak jokes floating around, with the punchline a week and a day from becoming our holy land’s Number 1.


Our Incoming Big Daddy May Be A Dada-ist

Clearly micturition is on everybody’s mind these days — when I began googling for other ways to convey the idea of shaking hands with the mayor, I typed in “euph” and autofill immediately plugged in “phemisms for urinating.” The hive mind obviously is following the yellow brick road these days .


President Gag swears he couldn’t possibly have been video’d in flagrante delicto w/ a Russian hooker because “I’m … very much a germophobe.” He goes so far as to obsessively avoid shaking hands, so deep-seated is his compulsion for sterility.

I suppose his alibi also belies the charge that he digs going for walks in the golden rain as well.

And you know what? I buy it. I never did put much stock into the canard that he’s being blackmailed by the Russkies, who have pix of him bonking a pro. The first thought that came to my mind was, Why would that embarrass him? ‘Course, that was b4 the other accusation came streaming onto the webs.

Hell, coprophilia and urolagnia have long been staples of those hoping to humiliate certain others to death. Remember Eggs Danny Thomas Style?

Anyway, this all got me to thinking: Who are some other over-the-top haters of cocci, bacilli and spirochetes in history? So, natch, I went to the U. of Google for the straight dope. Here’s what I found, re: famous mysophobists in history:

  • Howie Mandel
  • Howard Hughes
  • Cameron Diaz
  • Howard Stern
  • Nikola Tesla
  • Jessica Alba
  • Ben Stiller
  • Jerry Seinfeld
  • Gwyneth Paltrow
  • Billy Bob Thornton
  • Alec Baldwin
  • Carrie Fisher
  • Charlie Sheen
  • Roseanne
  • Kathie Lee Gifford
  • Francis Ford Coppola
  • Woody Allen
  • Michelle Pfeiffer
  • Harrison Ford



Yow! These -phobists’ list of peccadilloes may only include refusing to eat using restaurant utensils, refusing to touch elevator buttons, or even scouring with antibacterial wipes every surface they’ll come in contact with, but still…, I repeat, Yow.


Department Of Corrections

Nicci B of the Back Door wants me to clear one thing up: She and Danielle Urschel were not organizers of next Friday’s Inaugurate the Revolution event that was flogged here yesterday. Nicci’s concerned loyal Pencillistas might get the wrong idea. The two are eager vol’s, but that’s all. Rather, that’s enough.

In any case, I’d wanted to tell you who the core four organizers are but when I contacted one of them, this person said they’d prefer not to be named. “It’s not that we’re trying to hide our involvement or anything,” the person said. The four came up with the idea but scads of other folks have pitched in heroically as well so simply shouting out those in at the moment of conception seems to them a tad unfair. So be it.

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