I have been grappling with what to call our current president since saying his legal name pretty much makes me want to retch. Back when he first appeared to be a threat to become the Leader of This Holy Land in early 2016, I started calling him Li’l Duce, a play on Mussolini’s monicker, Il Duce. Making You Know Who littler (or li’ler) than one of the 20th century’s greatest tyrants seemed the perfect insult; he hates — hates — being minimized, you know.
Of late, I’ve taken to calling him 45/47, which is impersonal and not insulting but does sort of hearken to the idea of a convict’s number, which, by rights, he ought to be wearing on his back. Then again, nah, I don’t care if he goes to jail, I just want him out of the White House, out of the headlines, and out of my mind.
So what should I call him now? It came to me this afternoon. It’s perfect. From now on in these precincts, one Donald J. Trump of Washington, DC by way of Palm Beach, Florida and New York City, will be referred to as The Emperor.
Because, for chrissakes, that’s what he wants to be and that’s what all his executive orders and actions and pronouncements and intestinal gas emitted during these first 12 days of his reign redux are aimed at. The United States of America, after all, is indeed an empire. We like to kid ourselves that we’re not but we are. Our military encircles the globe, the tentacles of our corporations reach into every crevice of the planet, our dollar is humanity’s currency, our language is taught to school kids on every continent, and every living person knows who Taylor Swift is. This is an empire.
The Emperor believes this empire ought to be run in accordance with his wishes. He knows best. And only he can fix it. He’s told us so.
Plus, he loves other emperors, either of great magnitude like Vladimir Putin, or bush leaguers like Kim Jong Un and Viktor Orbán. He wants to be just like them. He’d love nothing more than to be dubbed the Supreme Leader of the United States.
So, let’s make him happy. And, in doing so, it is to be hoped, by calling him The Emperor I can scare the bejesus out of Pencil Nation and do my micro-part to foment resistance against him