The other day I wrote that from now on I’ll be referring to 45/47 as The Emperor. It was a neat way of avoiding writing his actual name, considering doing so acts as an emetic upon my system. And, since this Holy Land is indeed an Empire and the sovereign ruler of great power and rank in question wishes to be the monarch of all he surveys, I figured, hell, let’s call it like it is.
But events of the last few days have caused me to tweak the monicker. Friday, The Emperor issued a ukase reversing the Biden Administration policy of replacing all single-use plastic utensils in federal food service operations with paper-based products. “I will be signing an Executive Order next week ending the ridiculous Biden push for Paper Straws, which don’t work,” The Emperor wrote on his Truth Social website.
The tweak, ergo, is this: he is now The Plastic Emperor. Or Pemp, for short.
There can be no more definitive act of this or his first presidency than making a big deal out of what federal employees suck their Diet Cokes through. It is picayune, mean, pointless, petty, infantile, infuriating, and, ultimately, destructive.
In fact, the most important descriptor listed above just might be infuriating.
Let’s explore the possibilities.
- He really believes it is better for the world if, in federal cafeterias and military mess halls, plastic straws, sporks, and bowls are used as opposed to recycled and/or recyclable paper-based items.
- He despises Joe Biden so much for beating him in the 2020 election, that, if he could, he’d outlaw the breathing of air because…, well, that’s what Joe Biden does.
- It pisses off The Libs.
Possibility Number 1 can immediately be stricken off the list inasmuch as Trump has no concern whatsoever for what is better for the world. Plus, that possibility would entail him weighing competing ideas and coming to a rational conclusion. Paper or Plastic? Hmm, let’s see. What do the experts, the scientists, those who know what they’re talking about think about this? Please bear with me as I mull this for a while.
Nah. That can’t be it.
Possibility Number 2 comes nearer the truth. He was so pissed at Biden for cutting off his access to classified government materials after it was discovered he’d stored such stuff in an unsecured Mar-a-Lago bathroom that one of the first things he’s done this term is to cut off Biden’s access to that material. Ex-presidents, by tradition, get daily intelligence reports and the like — but now not Joe Biden. And, it can be assumed, Biden didn’t even store the stuff where he moves his bowels. So let’s say Possibility Number 2 counts for about 35 percent of The Plastic Emperor’s decision on plastic straws, etc.
So, we’re left with Possibility Number 3. Bingo. Social media, late night humorists, wits and wags, all lit up is response to this particular Executive Order. Nothing pleases MAGA Nation and its strings-holder more than making the opposition boil. The Germans, appropriately, would immediately come up with some kind of lengthy compound word to describe this weird drive to derive pleasure from seeing others get red in the face. The phenomenon is a bit different than schadenfreude — gaining pleasure from others’ suffering — although there’s plenty of that in there, too. It’s more specific, though. Did we piss you off? Good! Hahahaha!
Yep, The Plastic Emperor’s edict on plastic straws is picayune, mean, pointless, petty, infantile, infuriating, and, ultimately, destructive. His presidencies in a nutshell.