Category Archives: Television

Hot Air: Show’s Over

I’ve been so petrified by the rise and rule of Li’l Duce, fearing a hostile takeover of the US by him and his family, that the only logical outcome of his arrival on the scene escaped me. His people are getting tired of his act. They want to change the channel.

He’s never been anything but a cheap TV star, the 2010s version of Milton Berle. The TV audience ate him up and snickered in everybody else’s faces when he did the most outlandish things. But even his base is falling asleep in front of the TV (that is, except for the radical militia terrorists and the dyed-in-the-wool racists — they’re with him until the end of time). More people tuned in to Biden’s snooze-fest than Trump’s burlesque show. That’s just one piece of evidence bolstering my argument. Another is the long, long, long, long, long long, long lines at polling places across America.

Nobody in my lifetime has driven more people to the polls than President Gag. I’d like to kick them all in their asses for voting for him in the first place in ’16, or opting to sit that election out, but let’s bygones be bygones. We’re seeing a national cancellation of the show.

The Pencil Today:

THE QUOTE

“When you’re young, you look at television and think there’s a conspiracy. The networks have conspired to dumb us down. But when you get a little older, you realize that’s not true. The networks are in business to give people exactly what they want.” — Steve Jobs

WHO WILL MITT BE NOW?

Hat tip to Roger Ebert for pointing out this short essay by Garry Wills on Mitt Romney’s legacy in the New York Review of Books.

Wills, the respected author and history professor at Northwestern University, doesn’t think much of Mitt. And that’s not because he disagrees with Mitt’s stances on things.

Garry Wills

For instance, Wills praises Barry Goldwater despite having little in common philosophically with the late conservative leader.

No, Wills posits that Romney does not measure up as a man to others who’ve lost presidential elections. Wills says almost all also-rans in the quadrennial beauty fests have gone on to contribute to the world long after their political humiliations.

Romney, Wills thinks, won’t.

You May Be President, But I’m Rich!

Read the piece, it won’t take you long.

THAT AIN’T FOOD

Personal to all those who are mourning the possible demise of Hostess Brands’ flagship products, Twinkies, Ho Hos, and Ding Dongs

Stop crying, you knuckleheads.

First, those “pastries” aren’t going to disappear. The union busting slobs who ran Hostess into the ground will sell the brands and their recipes off, ensuring their financial futures in ways their now-out of work employees can never imagine.

You’re Crying Over This?

Second, Twinkies, Ho Hos, and Dingdongs suck. You can argue all you want but if you think they’re good or tasty, you have the palate of a stray dog.

You know how dogs dig through Dumpsters looking for anything at all to eat? That’s you. Only you’ve actually spent your good, hard-earned cash on the garbage that Hostess has had the effrontery to call food.

Look, I’m a chocolate lover. What passes for chocolate on Ho Hos and Ding Dongs has more in common with long-chain polymers than the product of cocoa beans that was invented by perhaps the greatest human in the history of the world.

For chrissakes, the “chocolate” coating on Ho Hos and Dingdongs is crackly and shiny. That’s the same description for glossy latex paint or Bakelite. You’ve been eating it and enjoying it, you poor dopes!

So stop.

EEK!

You know how Helen Mirren has been the poster girl for hot women “of a certain age”?

She’s brought glamor and allure to the GILF (or even G-GILF) world.

A Certain Age

I haven’t exactly be doing handstands over her since she remade herself into a dowager sex symbol but I can see the attraction. Were I a randy, single young man and she crooked her finger at me, I’d very well drift her way.

Imagine, then, my discomfort upon seeing the online banner ad for her latest film, “Hitchcock,” in which she plays the great director’s wife, Alma.

By god! She looks almost precisely like Jack Lemmon as Daphne in “Some Like It Hot!”

There Goes That Fantasy

Yeesh. I do believe whatever fantasies I may have entertained about Helen Mirren have just vanished.

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