Category Archives: Velveeta

Hot Air: Food?

I suppose I should have taken a picture but I’m not one of these people who click every damned thing they see. As George Carlin famously advised before he died, I actually use my memory.

Typical Slice of Cheese.

Anyway, I was getting out of the hot rod yesterday morning. I’d parked in the first spot on the east side of Walnut Street, just below Kirkwood. I put my foot down on the pavement and there it was: an almost perfect slice of some kind of yellow-orange cheese, probably American but quite possibly cheddar. Point is, it either dropped out of some knucklehead’s sandwich or some knucklehead had simply tossed it on the asphalt, for god knows whatever reason.

But get this: the slice of cheese had been run over by a car. There were tire marks on the thing, distorting it a little bit and discoloring it in the pattern of the tread. Yet the slice still retained much of its identifiable overall hue and regular quadrilateral symmetry.

So, let’s recap: a piece of cheese somehow made its way to the pavement and was squished by a metal and plastic machine weighing anywhere from 1800 pounds to two tons. Despite this, an old crank getting out of his car at an hour when he hadn’t had his normal dosage of coffee and was still bleary-eyed could readily peg it as the comestible it once was.

Typical Block of Velveeta™.

Because of that, I’m tempted to say the slice was actually Velveeta™ but, as far as I know, V. doesn’t come in slices. I really wouldn’t know because when it comes to food I only consider edible things as such, and Velveeta™ is decidedly not edible.

I’d like to think the slice came from some McDonald’s or Wendy’s burger, although my experience with those things tells me once the slice of cheese is laid therein, it becomes an inseparable part of the entire unholy mélange. I really have no idea where the slice of cheese came from, only that it had been squished by a car and somehow retained it’s essence.

That slice of cheese, it can be said, was the Rasputin of its oeuvre. Either that or all such slices are able to withstand extraordinary crushing pressure. All I know is it’ll be a long while before a jam a square slice of yellow-orange cheese into my trap again.

Hot Air

Simple Math

One thing we’ve learned from the mass kidnapping news to come out of Nigeria: In the perverse math practiced by this holy land’s corporate media, 230 missing little dark-skinned African girls still does not equal one single blonde girl anywhere in the world.

Perverse Math

There will be a pop quiz tomorrow.

More Fun With Numbers

Hehe, you had to figure this: A careful check of the Fox News website this morning reveals absolutely zero reference to the mass kidnapping in Nigeria.

Media Statistic

A kidnapping, BTW, that was ordered by one of the major gods to rule over human affairs. Funny thing is, only Right Wing online sites are highlighting the quote by Boko Haram leader Abubakar Shekau that his Big Daddy-o in the Sky told him to snatch the little ones.

Natch, that’s because whenever the god of Islam acts like a jerk, the Wingnut Right is on it like yellow on Velveeta. When the Judeo-Christian capo commits a crime against humanity, of course, that’s because we simply cannot grasp the complexities of the mind of god.

Not to let the rest of our news and gossip purveyors off the hook. CNN, the New York Times, and all the other news outlets that don’t tout climate change as a hoax or are fixated upon a selective interpretation of the 2nd Amendment are suspiciously circumspect about Shekau’s claim. Oh sure, they include his god quote in their all-too-infrequent stories, but they don’t headline it. They’re afraid, presumably, of insulting Islam.

Too late; Islam has insulted itself.

You Are Mine Until I Give You Away

Let’s all agree on one thing: These Purity Balls are deranged.

Want proof? Dig the pix of participants in this medieval charade, as published in Flavorwire. Here’s one example:

Photo/David Magnusson

Photo/David Magnusson

I don’t know about you but I have a sudden urgent need to go scrub myself in scalding water.

Taking It Easy

That’s it for today. I’m still on the weak side from getting an electronic gizmo implanted in my chest. It ain’t the slicing and dicing, necessarily, but the dope they used to send me to dreamland for the procedure. I think my bod is still trying to expel the last vestiges of the junk.

R. Crumb

Be patient; more tomorrow.

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