The Electron Pencil

AND THE WINNER IS…, NOBODY. YET.

Poor Linda Robbins. She’s in hot water.

Check that: Boiling water.

You can brew your morning java in it.

Linda Robbins In A Happier Moment

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Robbins, the Monroe County Clerk, suspended ballot counts (login required) early this morning after yesterday’s local elections

Mix-ups at certain polling places and legal questions about the counting process have resulted in…, um, actually, there are very few results to speak of at this hour.

(See WFIU’s website for the latest albeit incomplete tallies.)

Here’s what happened. Robbins ordered paper ballots to be used in yesterday’s election. She trained poll workers to do a quick count after the polls closed and then send the ballots off to a County facility where the pencil-marked ballots would be counted by an electronic scanner.

Sounds good, right? Poll workers envisioned doing their thing, shipping their ballots off, and going home early to sit before the fire and contemplate the infinite.

Oops. The lone Republican member of the County election board had dropped a bomb on Robbins Sunday. That board member reminded Robbins that a new state law requires county election boards to do their official counts at the precinct level, with the process overseen by a single poll worker from each of the two major parties.

The law, apparently, calls for felony charges to be brought against any county clerk who veers from its mandate.

Suddenly Sunday, Robbins envisioned herself wearing a Monroe County Correctional Center jumpsuit.

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So she brought her poll workers in for an emergency re-training session Monday. Only some folks just might have snoozed through the session.

Tuesday night, workers in a number of polling places stubbornly did their counts in the old way, the way they purportedly were trained out of Monday.

By midnight, the scene at the County was one of chaos. By two o’clock this morning, Robbins threw her hands in the air and ordered her people to call it a night. Counting was scheduled to resume at 9:00am.

Meanwhile, Robbins is making panicky phone calls to the Indiana Secretary of State’s office for guidance.

She may have to call a criminal defense attorney for some advice as well.

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BLAME THE POOR

Speaking of this solemn system of governance we call democracy, Herman Cain is going on the offensive against accusers who claim he’s been…, well, a jerk. Possibly a criminal jerk.

A Chicago woman this week accused the Republican presidential candidate of trying to force her face into his junk as they drove around after having dinner some years ago. This incident allegedly occurred when Cain was the big boss at the National Restaurant Association.

She’s one of four woman thus far to make such icky charges against the former pizza joint CEO.

Cain held a news conference yesterday to tell the world how unfair it’s being to him.

Why’s Everbody Always Pickin’ On Me?

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I mean, here’s a man who has worked his way up from dire poverty to become a wealthy man. So wealthy, in fact, that he had to become a Republican.

Cain, though, seems not to have much patience for folks who today are walking in the kind of holey shoes he once wore. He lashed out against Occupy Wall Streeters last month, saying they should only blame themselves if they aren’t as rich as he is. Later, at a Republican candidates debate, he iterated his scold against anyone who couldn’t afford a solid gold toilet.

Now, he’s under attack. And guess who’s responsible.

Yep, those who ought to be blaming themselves.

I Shoulda Worked Harder — Like Herman Cain!

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Cain returned fire at his Arizona presser Tuesday as well as on that paragon program of political thought, Jimmie Kimmel Live.

He referred to the Chicago woman as “troubled” and alluded to her financial difficulties throughout the years. The idea being that she’s broke and desperate and so was ripe to make her accusations for the big bucks that surely will ensue.

Keep in mind that when guys like Cain sneer at people for their financial difficulties, they’re not talking about, say, Donald Trump failing to make payments on his hundred-million-dollar loans. Hell no, that’s big business. Cain et al reserve their disgust for people, like the Chicago woman, who have a hard time paying the electric bill.

She has nobody to blame but herself.

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SURPRISE? REALLY?

I glanced at the New York Times front pager about the verdict in Michael Jackson’s doctor’s homicide case yesterday.

One thing struck me. The writer, for the 50-millionth time since the King of Pop went to heaven or hell, referred to his death as a “surprise.”

Honestly, who was surprised that Michael Jackson died? His dalliances with prescription meds were well-known. He’d been reported to be slurring and stumbling and appearing to be visiting another planet while working on his last video/CD.

And, for pity’s sake, he was Michael Jackson!

Who Could Have Expected Anything Bad To Happen To Him?

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When I heard the early reports that he’d died, my intial response was, “Naturally!”

Same with Amy Winehouse. Her alcoholism and drug problems were about as common knowledge in the gossip tabs and interwebs as the fact that Barack Obama was a secret radical Muslim from Nazi Germany.

And what about someone who today is holding on to life and sanity by her fingertips, one Lindsay Lohan? Should she cash in her chips tomorrow, will reporters write that her demise is a shock?

The way I figure it, if celeb journalists want to be really accurate they should handle such sad folks thusly: Every day there should be a headline in the Entertainment or Lifestyle section blaring the news, “Jacko/Winehouse/Lohan Still Alive! Medical Experts Baffled.” Then when they do die, nothing.

The daily news, after all, is mainly about the unusual or unexpected, isn’t it?

I Hope She Surprises Us

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