The Bloomington Police Department wants to buy a Lenco BearCat. That’s a big, expensive armored vehicle whose nickname is an acronym for Ballistic Engineered Armored Response Counter Attack Truck. Here are some juicy details about it from Police magazine:
Lenco’s BearCat [has] certified hardened steel armor and ballistic glass capable of multi-hits, blast-resistant floors, specially designed gunports, roof hatches,and multiple ingress/egress doors…. It features Patriot3’s Liberator ETS.
The Liberator ETS is a deck and ramp system allowing an assault team to enter a second story window, as pictured in Patriot3’s website:
The Lenco company’s webpage featuring the BearCat displays this photo of the vehicle in action:
Apparently, the BPD is worried our fair city will soon be attacked by North Korea or Russia even an invading force from some other planet.
The proposed purchase has raised hackles among those Bloomingtonians who believe we’ve all been put on this Earth to sing Kumbaya together while holding holds.
As far as I’m concerned, the rollout of the BPD’s new BearCat should only be a start. I want Bloomington to become a nuclear city.
I hereby call on Mayor John Hamilton, Police Chief Mike Diekhoff and the City Council to authorize the purchase of a B61 (MK-61) intermediate yield thermonuclear bomb. A soon-to-be retired iteration of the bomb, the B61-11, was introduced in 1997 and boasts a “strengthened bomb case” allowing it to be targeted at underground command centers, of which there are certainly many in this college town. The 11’s primary explosive material is beryllium-reflected plutonium boosted by deuterium-tritium and yields a force of up to 400 kilotons, depended on the size of its core. I recommend our city purchase the higher-yield variety, just to be sure.
The US military wants to replace the 11 with the shiny new 12 model. This affords us the perfect opportunity to cop an 11 at a bargain-basement price.
The Hiroshima nuclear bomb yielded some 15 kilotons of explosive power, killing more than 130,000 people. The B61-11 dwarfs that weapon.
Should the criminals of Bloomington force our law enforcement authorities to use this bomb, the B61-11 would wipe out the entire city as well as most or all of Monroe County. That would most certainly eliminate all criminal activity here.
As well as everything else.
Hey, you wanna make an omelet, you gotta break some eggs.