Category Archives: Secret Service

The Pencil Today:


“Read The Electron Pencil everyday, especially now that we have daily event listings. Scroll down to our Go section. What are you waiting for?” — Big Mike Glab


So, Bloomington has been blessed by Parade Magazine as the fourth-hardest working town in these Great United States, Inc.

I don’t know if Bloomingtonians are dancing in the streets just yet (I’m still sitting in my underwear in my garage office typing out this bilge, after all) but I’m going to have to dump some cold water on all the glee.

Typical Monday Morning In Bloomington

What in the world does this arbitrary list mean? Do the people of, say, Santa Clause, Indiana, which is not on the list, just sit around dreaming of Christmas? Does the populace of Hoboken, New Jersey refuse to work because they’re busy listening to hometown boy Frank Sinatra’s records?

“I Just Don’t Have The Time To Work.”

Here’s the most troubling thing about Parade’s survey and findings: Bloomington ranked so high mainly because our citizens are, as a group, the most willing in the United States to work weekends (“an astounding 15 points above the national average”).

Ever since unions started becoming unfashionable and workers rights turned into a pie-in-the-sky ideal in this Land of Reagan, Americans have been compelled to work longer hours and sacrifice more of their personal and family lives for employers who have been laying them off as never before. The weekend as well as the lunch hour and, for that matter, even an uninterrupted dinner have come to be viewed as luxuries.

I wouldn’t throw a party for the Parade ranking.


Happy World Book and Copyright Day!

Bet you didn’t know this holiday existed. Unless I missed the news, I don’t think there’ll be a parade down Kirkwood Avenue today in honor of it.

Why Not?

Here’s what I suggest you do — take your favorite book to work or school today and just give it to somebody. It could be a stranger or your best friend. No matter, just give her or him a book.

And if the loss of the book makes you feel deprived, I have a simple remedy for that, as well. Go to your local independent bookseller (he he) and buy a new one.

Simple, no?


So, John Edwards goes on trial today for the heinous crime of conspiring to conceal his extramarital affair during his aborted presidential run in 2008. Additionally, the Secret Service/prostitutes scandal continues to race along.

This weekend whiny Joe Lieberman, Independent (read: incapable of commitment) senator from Connecticut, wagged his finger and revealed that one of the offending Secret Service agents actually stayed at the hotel where President Obama was scheduled to occupy when he arrived in Colombia. The horror!

Lieberman: They Had Sex, Those Fiends!

Other than obvious atrocities like shooting an unarmed black teenager on a dark street in a white neighborhood or Mel Gibson offering his opinion on anything, the worst thing you can do in this holy land is have anything other than missionary position sex outside the sacred bonds of marriage.

Ergo, Secret Service agents have been fired and may yet be prosecuted and a presidential candidate whose top talking point was the poor eventually may be sentenced to time in the joint.

Meanwhile, these fine citizens continue to roam the streets freely:

The Unindicted

Electron Pencil event listings: Music, art, movies, lectures, parties, receptions, benefits, plays, meetings, fairs, conspiracies, rituals, etc.

Monday, April 23, 2012

◗ Bloomington, Citywide — IU’s Arts Week Everywhere 2012; Ongoing, various times

The Kinsey Institute Gallery“Man as Object: Reversing the Gaze,” exhibit, art by women examining men; Ongoing

From the “Man as Object” Exhibition

IU Memorial Union, State Room East — Lecture, Dr. Joseph Collentine, chair of Modern Languages at Northern Arizona University, “On the Compatibility between SLA Corpus and Variationist Research”; 2:30pm

IU Asian Culture CenterHenna 101 with introduction and hands-on application; 5:30pm

IU Auditorium“Spirit of Indiana Showcase,” annual student-athlete awards gala; 6:30pm

Bell Trace Health and Living Center“Life in a British Period Drama,” 4-session class on British class life; 6:30pm

Madame Walker Theatre CenterAuditions for “Queen Esther — A Fearless Shero”; 6-8pm

IU Hutton Honors College, Great Room — Indiana Review Editors Showcase; 7-8:30pm

The Player’s PubSongwriter Showcase; 8pm

The BishopNo Requests with DJ Burke; 8pm

The BluebirdDave Walters Karaoke; 8pm

The BishopSpirit of ’68 Presents: WOODS with Mmoss & Apache Dropout; 9pm

The BluebirdLaidback Luke; 9pm

Laidback Luke

The Pencil Today:


“We live in a world of guns, bombs, and terror. To conquer hate seems a nigh impossible task.” — Theo Bikel


Friday, Mitt Romney genuflected before the 70,000 or so gun lovers gathered in St. Louis for the NRA’s annual convention.

“Honest, I Love Guns. Lo-o-o-ove Them!”

He needs to make peace with that well-armed gang because they’re less than enthralled with him. He’s never publicly called for mass shootings of brown-skinned people walking through white neighborhoods or women who use birth control.

That suggests, according to the peculiar logic of the NRA, that he’s either a socialist or a raving homosexual.

Romney’s speech before the well-armed throng included very few mentions of the actual word, gun. As a result, the crowd gave him a tepid reception.

“I Have Such A Huge Erection It Hurts.”

He has, though, spoken in recent days about his hunting experiences. For some odd reason, men running for president must prove to the lock-and-load electorate that they’re rough and ready hunters. Why, I don’t know. Maybe people want their Chief Executive to be able to provide raw meat for the population should times gets tough.

Anyway, the NRA won its war against sanity long ago in this holy land. I recall a time when a public debate could be held on the topic of whether or not it’s advisable to let everyone and his brother possess pistols, rifles, bazookas, grenade launchers, surface-to-air missiles and other such items of protection.

“I Told You Goddamn Kids To Stay Off My Lawn!”

Now, no more. The issue has been settled. The majority of states in America now allow citizens to carry concealed weapons, which is comforting considering the world is rife with spies, saboteurs, mass murderers hopped up on pep pills, bundists, Union sympathizers, vampires, and other threats.

In fact, I have to wonder why the NRA even exists anymore. After all, what do they have to fight for? Even that socialist, radical, Mau Mau, Manchurian candidate, Trotzky-ite, moonlighting abortionist Barack Obama has been conspicuously mum on the topic of guns. He knows it’s a losing campaign talking point.

Here’s where the gun debate stands in the year of our lord 2012. A women attendee at the NRA porn-fest was interviewed by an NPR reporter. This is what she had to say:

“I think, when I was single, if I was threatened, I would like to be able to say I could pull my gun and shoot and not have to go to court and prove my point.”

“Okay Pal, I Got The Roscoe. I’m In Charge Here.”

So you see, the issue of gun-ownership is no issue at all. The fight now is over the ability of folks to fire at will and not have to explain themselves to anybody except god, who, the Holy Bible reminds us, was fond of mowing down people who displeased him.

By the way, polls indicate most NRA members are anti-abortion. Life, they say, is sacred.

Life in the womb, that is. Once you’re out of the womb, stay the hell out of their way or else they’ll blow your brains out.


So, nearly a dozen Secret Service agents were sent home from Colombia for the mortal sin of patronizing prostitutes.

“Now Where’s That Hooker? She Said She’d Be Here By Eight.”

Funny, isn’t it? You can game the financial system, defraud the home-buying public, lie through your teeth to whip the country into war fever, foul the air and water all you’d like, sell bonds to unsuspecting customers and then bet against them, and generally behave like a mad dog in a heat wave and the most you’ll suffer is the tut-tutting of pain in the ass good government types.

But if you engage in anything other than missionary position sex you’re screwed — and not in the good way, either.

Another funny thing: the randy agents were busted when one of the prostitutes dropped a dime on them because she had been stiffed (and not in the good way) by them.

In other words, they stole services from her. For my money, that’s the real crime here.


Kids, you have to see this almost-real time map of the continental US showing wind patterns. (h/t to SAW of Trout Valley, Illinois.)

Not only is this cool art, it illustrates beautifully what a living, dynamic thing this hunk of rock we call Earth is.

Here’s a still pic of the map (there’s no way to embed the vid at this time):

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