Indictments Coming Soon!
Ha! I’d wanted to do this myself but, as usual, I kept putting it off because I was too lazy and/or distracted.
To hear some partisans tell it, Hillary Rodham Clinton is the worst person in the world. Maybe even the worst person in the last 100 years. Worse than J. Edgar Hoover, Henry Kissinger, Dick Nixon, Donald Trump, Martin Shkreli…, hell name a reprobate and she’s been compared — unfavorably — to him.
So, this fellow Brett Arends of the website Market Watch a while ago put together “All the terrible things Hillary Clinton has done — in one big list.”
W/o further ado, here it is:
1. When she was first lady, she murdered White House lawyer Vince Foster and then dumped his body in a park.
2. She drove Vince Foster to commit suicide through her temper tantrums.
3. She was having an affair with Vince Foster.
4. She’s a lesbian.
5. Chelsea isn’t Bill Clinton’s child.
6. She murdered Vince Foster to cover up that she once bought a tract of undeveloped land in Arkansas and lost money.
7. She murdered Vince Foster to cover up her role in firing the White House travel department.
8. After she murdered Vince Foster, she ransacked his office in the middle of the night and stole all the documents proving her guilt.
9. When Bill Clinton was governor of Arkansas, she was a partner in the state’s top law firm, and it sometimes did work involving the state government.
10. She once invested in commodities futures on the advice of a friend and made $100,000, proving she’s a crook.
11. She once invested in real estate on the advice of another friend and lost $100,000, also proving she’s a crook.
12. Unnamed and unverifiable sources have told Peggy Noonan things about the Clintons that are simply too terrible to repeat.
13. The personnel murdered at Benghazi make her the first secretary of state to lose overseas personnel to terrorism — apart from Condi Rice, Colin Powell, Madeleine Albright, George Schultz, Dean Rusk and some others.
14. Four State Department staff were murdered at Benghazi, compared with only 119 others murdered overseas under every secretary of state combined since World War II.
15. She illegally sent classified emails from her personal server, except that apparently they weren’t classified at the time.
16. She may have cynically wriggled around the email law by “technically” complying with it.
17. She once signed a lucrative book contract when she was a private citizen.
18. Donald Trump says she “should be in jail,” and he’s a serial bankrupt casino developer in Atlantic City, so he should know.
19. Former House Majority Leader Tom Delay says his “law-enforcement sources” tell him she is “about to be indicted” — and if a man once convicted of money laundering and conspiracy doesn’t have good law-enforcement sources, who does?
20. She’s a hard-left radical who wants to break up the nuclear family.
21. She’s a conservative “mousewife” who refused to break up her own family.
22. She’s in favor of single moms.
23. She refused to be a single mom.
24. When she was first lady of Arkansas, she pandered to conservative voters by dyeing her hair.
25. Before that, she totally insulted them by refusing to.
26. She’s a frump.
27. She spends too much money on designer dresses.
28. She has “cankles.”
29. She has a grating voice.
30. She yells into the microphone.
31. She spent 18 years in Arkansas and some of the people she knew turned out to be crazy rednecks and crooks.
32. She’s in the pay of the mafia.
33. She’s in the pay of the Chinese government.
34. She’s in the pay of the Wall Street banks.
35. In order to suppress the billing records from her time at the Rose Law Firm in Little Rock, she cleverly packed them up and took them to the White House rather than shredding them.
36. When she handed over the documents to public officials, they couldn’t find any evidence she’d committed any crimes, so she must have doctored them.
37. Congress spent tens of millions of dollars and six years investigating her investment in the Whitewater real-estate project, and, while they didn’t actually find anything, they wouldn’t have spent all that money if there weren’t something there.
38. By cleverly hiding all evidence of her crimes in the Whitewater affair, she caused Congress to waste all that taxpayers’ money.
39. When she ran for senator of New York, she was still a fan of the Chicago Cubs.
40. She once said the Clintons were thinking of adopting a child, and they didn’t follow through.
41. She was photographed holding her hand near her mouth during the raid that killed Osama bin Laden.
42. She’s got brain damage.
43. She’s old.
44. She’s really ambitious and calculating, unlike all the other people running for president.
45. She secretly supported Palestinian terrorists, Puerto Rican terrorists and Guatemalan terrorists.
46. She secretly supported a group that wants to give Maine back to the Indians.
47. She’s a secret follower of “radical prophet” Saul Alinsky.
48. She did her law degree at Yale, and it’s a well-known “socialist finishing school.”
49. When she was young, she did things to build up her résumé rather than just for their own good.
50. When Bill was president, she “allowed” him to keep people waiting.
51. She’s married to a sex addict.
52. She’s an enemy of traditional marriage.
53. She didn’t divorce her husband.
54. His philandering is her fault because she is too strong, and too weak, and too frumpy, and too fat, and too cold.
55. She’s hostile to women who fool around with her husband.
56. A divorced taxi driver in Florida told me that if Hillary is elected president, “women will take over everything.”
57. She insulted Tammy Wynette.
58. When they left the White House, she and Bill bought a big house in New York that they couldn’t afford.
59. She sometimes calls her staff during dinner, even when they’re out at a restaurant.
60. She claimed there was a “vast right-wing conspiracy” against her husband, and it turned out there was nothing but a bunch of tycoons financing private investigators, and some fake think tanks and books and news sites and stuff.
61. When she got married, she didn’t “stay at home and bake cookies.”
62. She supported the Iraq war because she’s a secret foreign-policy conservative.
63. She’s a secret foreign-policy radical with a plan to impose worldwide “radical social experimentation” through the World Bank.
64. She is secretly plotting to let children sue their parents for making them take out the garbage.
65. She looked bored during the Benghazi hearings.
66. Oh, yeah — and she totally has a vagina.
Honestly, No. 66 is the kiss of death, though, isn’t it?
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The Blog Virus
Yeah, yeah, yeah, everybody and her sister have blogs. Acc’d’g to iffy estimates there are upwards of 200 million blogs in the world right now. A lot of them are abandoned — you know, people go into these things with the best of intentions and then they discover, Hey, I’ve gotta write something every day! Sheesh! Next thing you know, they haven’t logged in since November.
Add to them the number of bloggers who really ought to find another hobby. Either they’re terrible writers, madly enthusiastic about deadly boring topics , or believe Donald Trump would make a good president. (Isn’t that why we have insane asylums?)
But you read this blog so you know some are actually worth your time of day. I thought I’d gather a list a blogs I like. We in the blogging industry used to call this a blogroll. Now if you are sucker enough to buy a blogroll widget and actually put it on your home page, you’ve essentially confessed to the world that you are 62 years old, semi-retired or shut-in due to illness, have just bought a new computer, and have a pathological fixation on hummel figurines or Civil War battlefields. Not hip, right?
Well, I don’t care what’s hip. In fact, I define my own hip. The Big Mike hip. I’m not going to install a blogroll widget herein but I am going to provide you a one-off list of my top blogs, so here it is:
Dave Hoekstra’s Website — The former Chicago Sun-Times features writer, now host of WGN radio’s “Nocturnal Journal,” Dave is a former Matchbox colleague of mine and a great Cubs fan to boot. He actually travelled to Tokyo to see them the year (2000) they played a season-opening series in Japan.
The Oatmeal — Cartoonist Matthew Inman’s site. I just learned that in 2012, The Oatmeal generated $500,000 in revenue. Now I hate Matthew Inman.
Sheila Kennedy: A jaundiced look at the world we live in — IUPUI law and policy professor in the School of Environmental and Public Affairs, Kennedy calls herself a Republican but, trust me, she’s no more a Republican than I am Benedict Cumberbatch.
Infinite Gestation — A blog on all things literary, the brainchild of three southwest Indiana coffeehouse intellectuals, including my friend, the gentleman, Jeffersonian farmer Samuel Zurcher.
Science-Based Medicine — The name says it all.
Rachel Roams Rabat — The daughter of my next door neighbors the Thickstuns is in Morocco this summer on some kind of student exchange dealio. Morocco. Makes me think of the great old Crosby, Stills & Nash song from the summer of 1969, “Marrakesh Express.” Here’s a sample stanza:
Take the train from Casablanca going south
Blowing smoke rings from the corners of my mouth
Colored cottons hang in the air
Charming cobras in the square
Striped djellebas we can wear at home
Before the interwebs, I never knew what a djelleba was.
Science Blogs — An aggregator gathering posts from such blog titles as Confessions of a Science Librarian, Aardvarcheology, and Starts with a Bang.
Noir of the Week — Offers reviews and essays about the great films noir, my fave movie genre.
Bookslut — Drag, man! This gem of a literary blog just posted its final edition. Nevertheless, if the site remains up, you can enjoy its back issues and learn a few things about books and authors.
Fire Joe Morgan — For baseball fans only, the sports media meta-criticism site mainly written by Michael Schur (aka, Ken Tremendous). Its motto: ‘Wher bad journalism comes to die.” Tremendous/Schur is television screenwriter whose credits include The Office and Parks and Recreation. He also appeared on The Office as Mose Schrute. FJM has been dormant since November, 2008, but it’s still up and still howl-inducing if you’re a fan of “fisking” and bad sportswriters and broadcasters.
Every Goddamn Day — Sun-Times columnist Neil Steinberg’s blog.
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May 30th Birthdays
Howard Hawks — Directed Scarface, His Girl Friday, The Outlaw, To Have and Have Not, The Big Sleep, Gentlemen Prefer Blondes, Monkey Business, and Rio Bravo, among many others.
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Cornelia Otis Skinner — Author and actor, her most notable work was Our Hearts Were Young and Gay. She liked to describe herself as a diseuse, the French word for female storyteller, but dropped the term when a newspaper article printed it as “disease.”
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Mel Blanc — The king of cartoon voices.
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Benny Goodman — Clarinetist and band leader, Goodman was one of the first white musicians to work with a black man, Fletcher Henderson, with whom he scored arrangements, wrote songs, and performed on stage. Henderson’s influence on Goodman helped the latter become one of the pioneers of swing music.
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Christine Jorgensen — Born George Jorgensen, she was the first person to gain fame as a transsexual. Her first stage reassignment surgery (an orchiectomy) in 1951 was done in Copenhagen, Denmark, one of the very few places in the world where the procedure was performed. She wrote to friends, “Remember the shy, miserable person who left America? Well, that person is no more and, as you can see, I’m in marvelous spirits.”
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On this day in 1911, Milton Bradley died. Founder of the eponymous board game company, the first game he sold was called The Checkered Game of Life, now known as The Game of Life. He got into game making after his lithograph business collapsed when Abraham Lincoln decided to grow a beard. See, Bradley had made a mint selling lithos of Lincoln without a beard in 1860 but when the future president grew whiskers, no one wanted Bradley’s images of him anymore.
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I’m scheduled for a PET scan on June 2nd, a week from today. They’ll pump me full of radioactive elements and, after I sit in a darkened room for 45 minutes to allow the stuff to run through my circulatory system, they’ll strap me into the big cylindrical scanning machine for some 20 minutes more. The idea being if there’s any cancer left in me, it’ll show up when the nuke stuff hits it.
