"The blog has made Glab into a hip town crier, commenting on everything from local politics and cultural happenings to national and international events, all rendered in a colorful, intelligent, working-class vernacular that owes some of its style to Glab’s Chicago-hometown heroes Studs Terkel and Mike Royko." — David Brent Johnson in Bloom Magazine
Now, this doesn’t rile me or cause me to wring my hands and say Oh, oh, oh, the Right wingnuts are f’nda take over my USA!
No, this just makes me laugh.
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That noted gasbag in human form, Rush Limbaugh, has laid out the latest on the Benghazi faux-scandal. Only this time, it’s not just that the Osama Obama administration was asleep at the wheel. Hell, that’s a sin even white people can commit. The nation’s first Muslim, Kenyan, commie, homosexual abortionist prez and his lower primate minions actually participated in the attack that resulted in the death of four US diplomats, including the ambassador to Libya, Christopher Stevens.
See, the order came down from Obama adviser Valerie Jarrett for all US military responders to stand down as the mobs laid siege to the Benghazi diplomatic mission. That’s what Massa Rush sez. There were gobs of Green Berets and laser-equipped, big-assed flying gunships, and all sorts of other sacred armaments and warriors of our holy land hanging around the Libyan city just waiting to open fire on A-rabs but Valerie Jarret simply told them not to!
The Conservative Report Online website where Limbaugh got his “intelligence” [teehee] carries this meme re: VJ:
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I mean, see, see? She’s not only brown but — isn’t it obvious from the picture? — [voice lowered to a whisper] she’s got a vagina!
Clearly, the gumshoes at Conservative Report Online are the finest journalists in America, considering they’re the only ones who’ve unearthed this bombshell quote from Jarrett.
One more little detail: immediately after getting the news that Benghazi was under attack, according to CRO, Osama Obama went and ate himself a nice little dinner — just as if the entire American way of life wasn’t being threatened by wild eyed dark maniacs!
How can you get mad at ol’ Rush and his gang? He’s now as relevant as Benny Hill.
“Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.” — Robert A. Heinlein
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A NOTE TO MY READERS
If I seem a little cynical today (okay, a lot cynical) don’t blame me. I’m only the messenger.
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MEET YOUR BOSS
Make no mistake now. There is no longer any argument.
This holy land is not led by a president or a Senate or House. Nor is it run by Democrats or Republicans. Not even the combined forces of the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines rival the most powerful entity in the United States today.
Kids Stuff
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These Great United States, Inc. are ruled by the investment banking firm and criminal enterprise known as Goldman Sachs.
And that would make the emperor of this nominal democratic republic an unindicted hoodlum by the name of Lloyd Blankfein.
See, Goldman Sachs had been engaged in the selling of subprime mortgage securities for years, earnings ungodly amounts of money. Only Blankfein’s syndicate then went out and bet against the performance of those securities.
In other words, Goldman Sachs sold its clients — including retirement funds, states and municipalities, hospitals, and the like — a pile of shit and then went out and set up a sham insurance safety net protecting itself against the shit smears that would inevitably follow.
The original “Mob” used to have this scam down to an art. A couple of crooked-nosed Charlies would visit a restaurant owner and advise him he needed “insurance” should, god forbid, anything calamitous happen.
Aw, D’at’s Too Bad. Y’See What Can Happen?
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The only flaw in the Mob’s plan was its inability to hold off the dogs of justice indefinitely. By and by, some squeaky clean prosecutor would slap the bracelets on the big boys and their underbosses.
But Lloyd Blankfein won’t be a guest of the state any time soon. In fact. the state is now his guest.
This is, after all, his country. Lock, stock, and barrel.
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PROBLEM SOLVED
You know how Barack Obama is a socialist? And the Clintons before him?
Real red-underwear-wearing types, right?
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At least that’s what the Right would have us believe.
So why is it that the number of people receiving cash assistance from government social welfare programs has fallen a full two-thirds since Bill Clinton’s 1996 welfare reform? And the number of American families who get government subsidies for trivial things like food and heat has fallen by a half?
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The answer, if you believe the Right, is they’ve all gone from the lazy poor to the self-sufficient middle class. Because, after all, it was their own fault they were poor.
The great thing about living in these United States is the fact that we don’t need complicated solutions to baffling problems. The answers, my fellow citizens, are simple.
Oops. I mean simplistic.
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ANOTHER SIGN OF THE COMING APOCALYPSE
Everybody and anybody who had a hand in making this monstrosity a reality should have the living shit kicked out of them:
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This is the brand spankin’ new high school football stadium in Allen, Texas.
You read right: High-freaking-school.
The new home of the Allen Eagles cost $60M. It seats 18,000. It has a 75×45-foot video screen scoreboard.
The story about this crime against humanity in Time magazine’s online newsfeed quotes some little bastard defensive back as saying, “We just have to [be] blessed and humble and not take it for granted.”
Go Eagles!
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Yeah. Like the god that doesn’t exist gave it to you in lieu of doing anything about the flooding in India.
Texas, by the way, last year cut $5B from the state public schools budget..
Nothin’ like seeing your boy’s cerebrum concussed into so much gray goo down on the field in a shiny new stadium, is there?
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LIFE LESSONS FROM FOOTBALL
Yep. Football’s back.
Remember when Ma & Pa America were all aflutter over teenaged athletes using steroids and human growth hormones to build muscle mass?
The Horror
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Heaven forbid our precious scions should risk the devastating side effects of performance enhancing drugs. Like acne.
No. It’s much better for them to suffer permanent disability due to head injuries suffered on the gridiron.
Oh, and thanks to our changing climate (which, I’d bet, plenty o’Texans think is the liberal bunk anyway) more and more high school football players are suffering serious injury and death from practicing in full pads through the August heat.
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SCIENCE TAKES ANOTHER HIT
We don’t have cable anymore at Chez Big Mike but if we did, Animal Planet would be on all the time. The Loved One digs critters and I’m partial to two or three species myself.
The bad news is, Animal Planet is slipping and sliding away from real animals this coming season and becoming more about, well, bullshit.
Two of the cable networks big shows will be “Finding Bigfoot” and “Mermaid — The Body Found.”
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According to the Washington Post’s TV columnist Lisa de Moraes, critics pounded Animal Planet reps when the network held its pre-season news conference. One asked if AP “had run out of real animals.”
When it comes to TV, though, no one can argue with the numbers. AP’s audiences love shows about creatures that don’t exist.
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THE POWER OF MYTH
Great. As if I’m not discouraged enough by the direction in which this nation is headed, this poll comes out:
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The site I Fucking Love Science opines: “Well, this is a little bit scary. Come on America, sort it out. You just landed on Mars!”
To borrow a term from the god-fetishists, Amen!
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Here’s how I waste my time. How about you? Share your fave sites with us via the comments section. Just type in the name of the site, not the url; we’ll find them. If we like them, we’ll include them — if not, we’ll ignore them.
“Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.” — Peter Ustinov
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PAYOLA DEMOCRACY
Two years ago tomorrow, the Reagan/Bush/Bush Supreme Court turned the national electoral process into a plaything for the uber-rich.
George W. Bush Introduces His Nominee For Chief Justice, John Roberts
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Yup. The Citizens United decision came down January 21, 2010, with Justices Roberts, Alito, Thomas, Kennedy, and Scalia affirming that the more money you’ve got, the more precious your voice is.
Super PACs, the natural malignant outgrowth of the decision, already have proven to be huge influences in the 2012 presidential race. Republican candidates Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich have benefited mightily from TV ads placed by their respective super PACs. Of course, both Romney and Gingrich shrug and look innocent when asked about the inflammatory rhetoric of their wealthy cheerleaders.
And don’t think Barack Obama’s own super PACs won’t flood the airwaves come September and October.
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COSTA CONCORDIA TRAGEDY IS A SAD JOKE
Humor is tragedy plus time. Not enough time has passed, for instance, for 9/11 jokes. Nor for even JFK assassination jokes. Abraham Lincoln’s assassination, on the other hand, has inspired the well-known “Otherwise, how was the play, Mrs. Lincoln?” stand-alone punchline.
Some tragic events generated macabre jokes within minutes of their occurrence. In those pre-internet days of 1986, the Challenger space shuttle disaster was followed almost immediately by a rush of calls from office to office about Christa McAuliffe and colleagues, “vacationing all over the Atlantic.”
The Costa Concordia shipwreck story is hardly a week old. I haven’t heard any jokes about it yet. Still, the thing is rife with its own ghastly humor.
The Costa Concordia Before The Funny Business Started
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I mean, honestly, have you read the transcripts of the ship-to-shore radio exchanges between Captain Schettino and onshore authorities as survivors still were being pulled out of the water? It reads like the script from a Marx Brothers movie, for pity’s sake.
When a port official first contacted an officer aboard the Concordia and asked if there was anything wrong, the officer replied only that there was a blackout on board. The port official seemed a tad skeptical considering he’d already been contacted by passengers on the ship who said they’d been ordered to don lifejackets.
Really, now. Wouldn’t Chico Marx, had he been the officer in question, have just as easily lied to the port official, saying the lights were merely out even as the big ship was sinking?
So the port official asked the officer if he should send help. The officer essentially said, Everything’s fine here (with the aside to the audience: As long as you ignore all those people jumping overboard).
Or Chico might have replied, You’d better or my career will be sunk.
Spaulding: How do you do, Di Falco? Not so hot, by the looks of you. (Real dialogue: “Yes. Good evening, Commander Di Falco.”)
Di Falco: Now you listen to me! Get back on that ship! (“Listen, Schettino. There are people trapped on board…. There is a pilot ladder. You will climb that ladder and go on board. You go on board and then you will tell me how many people there are. Is that clear?”)
Spaulding: I don’t like the tone of your voice, Di Falco. (“… [L]et me tell you one thing….”)
Di Falco: “Speak up!”
Spaulding: Are you out of your mind? That ship is sinking! (“In this moment, the boat is tipping….”)
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Di Falco: You idiot! Get up there now and save the women and children! I’ll have your hide for this, you dunderhead! (“… [L]isten, there are people coming down the ladder of the prow. You go up that pilot ladder, get on that ship and tell me how many people are still on board…. Listen, Schettino, you saved yourself from the sea, but I am going to really do something bad to you. I am going to make you pay for this. Get on board, [expletive]!”)
Spaulding: Let’s be reasonable, Di Falco. (“Commander, please….)
Di Falco: “No…. You now get up and go on board. They are telling me that on board there are still….”
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Spaudling: Say, Di Falco. There’s no need to raise your voice to me. The rescue is over — I’m safe! (“I am here with the rescue boats. I am here. I am not going anywhere. I am here.”)
Di Falco: “What are you doing, Captain?”
Spaulding: Why, I’m in charge here! Why do you think they call me captain? (“I’m here to coordinate the rescue.”)
Di Falco: You’re now the captain of a rowboat, you hoodlum! (“What are you coordinating there? Go on board! Coordinate the rescue from the ship…! It is an order! Don’t make any more excuses…! My air rescue crew is there!”)
Spaulding: (Looking around.) No wonder I heard helicopters. (“Where are your rescuers?”)
Di Falco: “My air rescue is now on the prow. Go. There are already bodies….”
Spaulding: Bodies? What bodies? (“How many bodies are there?”)
Di Falco: You should be telling me! Great Caesar’s ghost! (“You are the one who has to tell me how many there are! Christ!”)
Spaulding: This is an outrage, Di Falco. You’re asking me to get my new uniform wet. Do you realize how much the dry cleaner charges these days? Besides, it’s cold and dark. (“Do you realize it is dark here and we can’t see anything?”)
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Di Falco: Would you like me to bring you a cup of hot cocoa, Captain? (“And so what? You want to go home, Schettino? It is dark and you want to go home? Get on the prow of that boat…. Now!”)
Spaulding: What are you worried about, Di Falco? The other rescuers are here. [He puts his arms around two comely female passengers.] I like it fine right here in this lifeboat. (“Commander, I want to go on board but… there are other rescuers.”)
