Alex Jones, Barack Obama, Dan Dumaine, Eric Dondero, GRU, Lamar Alexander, Michele Bachmann, Richard Mourdock, Rick Santorum, Ron Paul, Tim Donnelly, Todd Akin, Wonkette, WWNBD

Thermonuclear Hot Air

Ka-Boom!

We’ve seen and heard tons of whacked-out statements from the deranged Far Right since this holy land elected its first Muslim, communist, abortionist president who was born in Kenya. They’ve spewed their crazed ideas about Obama himself and about god, guns, gays, and a gazillion other topics.

Let’s skim a quick list of such maniacal ejaculations:

“I think video games is a bigger problem than guns because video games affect people.” Sen. Lamar Alexander (R-Tenn)
“… [T]hey are absolutely essential to living the way god intended for us to live.” Rep. Tim Donnelly (R. Calif) on guns
“A holstered gun is not a deadly weapon…. But anything can be used as a deadly weapon. A credit card can be used to cut somebody’s throat.” State Rep. Dan Dumaine (R-New Hampshire)

Deadly Weapon

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“President Obama wants everybody in America to go to college. What a snob. Oh, I understand why he wants you to go to college. He wants to remake you in his image.” Former presidential candidate Rick Santorum.
“… [A] total sham and a travesty…. We are not a democracy.” Plutocrat Donald Trump on the 2012 reelection of President Obama.
“All family and friends, even close family and friends, who I know to be Democrats are hereby dead to me. I vow never to speak to them again for the rest of my life, or have any communications with them. They are, in short, the enemies of liberty. They deserve nothing less than hatred and utter contempt.” Libertarian/Republican blogger Eric Dondero.

Then, of course, there are those cherished chestnuts gargled out by political self-immolators whose weird word combos were so alarming that even rank and file Republicans have conveyed to them the strong suggestion that they should seek other forms of employment:

“I think even when life begins in that horrible situation of rape, that it is something that god intended to happen.” Former Indiana senatorial candidate Richard Mourdock
“First of all, from what I understand from doctors [it] is really rare. If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.” Former Rep. Todd Akin (R. Missouri) on pregnancy resulting from rape.

And what list like this would be complete without at least one citation from the Empress of Whack, future former Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-Minn)?

Teachers, she once splurted, are trying to “normalize” homosexuality and “desensitize” our darling children to it. “[A] very effective way to do this with a bunch of second graders is take a picture of The Lion King, for instance, and a teacher might say, ‘Do you know that the music for this movie was written by a gay man?’ The message is: I’m better at what I do because I’m gay.”

Raving Royalty

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What a trip down memory lane!

Just when you think you’ve heard it all, someone, somewhere, says something that makes even the above paranoiac ideations seem, well, tolerable.

I doubt, though, any statement made yet or in the future about the evils of President Barack Osama Adolf Joseph Al Capone Norman Bates Obama can ever, ever, ever top a recent “revelation” by the deep thinkers at a website entitled We Will Not Be Disarmed.

The WWNBD scribblers claim to have intercepted a report from the Russian spy agency GRU that the Prez had planned a nuclear attack on the city of Charleston, South Carolina, in order to create “chaos” in the US.

Why would he do this? WWNBD doesn’t say. Maybe he’s suffering a mid-life crisis. Who knows?

“Nuke ‘Em!”

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Anyway, a US military jet was to drop a ground-penetrating nuclear device that would, it was hoped, trigger an earthquake underneath the historic southern city. That was the plan until four key generals bravely stood up to the gay, Nazi, fascist, jihadist usurper of presidential power. The generals, WWNBD claims the Russkie spook report reports, directed the pilot of the jet to drop the bomb in the ocean off the coast of S.C., where is exploded harmlessly.

Natch, Barack Osama bin Laden pitched a fit when his orders were disobeyed and fired the generals on trumped-up charges of gambling, alcoholism, and other vices. This despite the fact that the four, acc’d’g to the putative GRU paper, were among the finest human beings this or any other planet has ever been home to.

The Imam-in-Chief will not be deterred, WWNBD concludes, citing a Ron Paul interview with tinfoil hat wearer Alex Jones this month that a declaration of martial law is just around the corner.

Phew.

And I thought I was delusional because I truly believe the Chicago Cubs might win a World Series in my lifetime.

[h/t to Wonkette]

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09/08/2012

2 Comments

Brendan Ayanbadejo, Candy Corn Oreos, Chris Kluwe, Emmet Burns Jr., Gay Marriage, Mary Roach, Michele Bachmann, Mike Pence, Mitt Romney, Nabisco, NFL, Rep. Steve King, Sen. Joe McCarthy, Tea Party Caucus, Todd Akin

The Pencil Today:

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THE QUOTE

“Life contains these things: leakage and wickage and discharge, pus and snot and slime and gleet. We are biology. We are reminded of this at the beginning and the end, at birth and at death. In between we do what we can to forget.” — Mary Roach

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POLITICAL DISCOURSE

Oh, man! NFL football players are jumping on the gay marriage bandwagon!

Whooda thunk it?

My least fave professional sporting league generally is known for political and social outbursts that would make Mussolini proud. But Baltimore Ravens linebacker Brendan Ayanbadejo came out publicly in support of Maryland’s gay marriage ballot initiative recently.

Brendan Ayanbadejo

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A state legislator named Emmet Burns Jr. immediately dashed off a letter to the owner of the Ravens, demanding he shut his employee up.

Maryland State Delegate Emmett Burns, Jr.

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Well, that just got Minnesota Vikings punter Chris Kluwe teed off enough to send a letter of his own to Burns, defending his league-mate as well as gay marriage. Among the zingers Kluwe included in his red-assed missive were:

“Your vitriolic hatred and bigotry make me ashamed and disgusted to think that you are in any way responsible for shaping policy at any level.”
“What on earth would possess you to be so mind-bogglingly stupid?”
“I can’t even begin to fathom the cognitive dissonance that must be coursing through your rapidly addled brain right now….”
“… [W]hy do you hate freedom?”
“If gay marriage becomes legal, are you worried that all of a sudden you’ll start thinking about penis?”

This is beautiful!

“I can assure you that gay people getting married will have zero effect on your life. They won’t come into your house and steal your children. They won’t magically turn you into a lustful cockmonster….”

Kluwe is becoming the modern-day Oscar Wilde.

Chris Kluwe

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“In closing, I would like to say that I hope this letter, in some small way, causes you to reflect upon the magnitude of the colossal foot in the mouth clusterfuck you so brazenly unleashed on a man whose only crime was speaking out for something he believed in.”

And Kluwe closes the letter by calling Burns, “Asshole.”

I dunno about you, but suddenly I’m a Minnesota Vikings fan.

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KING OF THE UNITED STATES

Think Progress runs a laundry list of bizarre, regressive, and downright Cro-Magnon quotes and positions offered up by Iowa Congressman Steve King, a Republican.

One Of These Guys Is A Member Of Congress

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King sits on the Agriculture, Small Business, and Judiciary committees. He also is a big shot in the Congressional Tea Party Caucus, natch. (Indiana’s Mike Pence, now running for governor, also is a member.) King’s already become known for loathing abortion and birth control, digging Rep. Todd Akin, and deeming racial profiling to be pretty cool.

Per Think Progress, though, we learn that King is just as whacked out as the more notorious Michele Bachmann — whom he also digs the most.

Pals

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Here are a few revelations about a guy Mitt Romney endorses for reelection

King wants the US to build an electric fence at the border with Mexico. “We do this with livestock all the time,” he says by way of explanation.
King wants states to ban birth control but feels state bans on pâté de foie gras are unconstitutional.
He’s a birther.
King was sympathetic to the man who crashed an airplane into an Austin, Texas IRS building in February, 2010.
King once described witch-hunting Sen Joe McCarthy as “a great American hero.”

Some Hero

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Romney says if he’s elected president, King would be “my partner in Washington.”

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FRANKEN-COOKIES

The world is coming to an end.

Want proof?

Here it is:

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Oh, no, this ain’t no Onion stuff. Nabisco is actually putting these boxes of extruded tumors on sale Monday, September 10th.

You can stock up on them through Hallowe’en, by which time an orthopedic surgeon will be sawing both your legs off below the knee, thanks to the ravages of orange and white cookie-induced diabetes.

Enjoy!

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A SECOND CAR?

Folks, I wonder if you think I’d look good in this little model.

A 1961 Ford Gyron Concept Car

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Well?

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SIZE AND MEN

Yeesh, this one gives me vertigo just thinking about it:

From The Universe

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Back on Earth, the chicks (and the one or two males who pitch in occasionally) at Skepchick have been bombarded with hate emails and Tweets of late.

Their offense? Merely that they’re outspoken females (and the one or two guys who tolerate them).

What puzzles me is why loads and loads of men despise women. Even if you think women are nothing more than sex objects, wouldn’t you say to yourself, “Man, I dig those sex objects!”?

I don’t get a lot of things, which is often frustrating, but this is one thing I’m glad I can’t grasp.

Anyway, Rebecca Watson, the big bosschick at Skepchick ruminates on the hate:

Click For Full Article

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08/25/2012

The Pencil Today:

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THE QUOTE

“Republicans would like to pretend like Congressman Akin’s substitution of superstition for science is a lone problem but it’s not: they’re all magical thinkers, on nearly every issue. They don’t get their answers on climate change from climatologists, they get them from the Book of Genesis. Hence Sharia Law in America is a dire threat, and global warming a hoax.” — Bill Maher

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COWBOY UP

After the Aurora, Colorado, shootings at least one Republican (duh!) pol spewed the lunatic opinion that had the patrons of the theater been permitted to carry artillery into the place, they could have shot the shooter up like a swiss cheese and thereby become heroes forever. Oh, and they could have saved a life or two.

Gohmert: “…Was There Nobody That Was Carrying…?”

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Because, you know, 19-year-olds attending a midnight showing of a superhero movie in a darkened (natch), packed theater are nothing if not crack shots.

Apparently, that conceit took a hit yesterday when New York cops (who are trained to shoot pistols) opened fire on that guy in the suit who’d killed his former boss at the Empire State Building. So far as we know, the cops did most of the damage to the innocent bystanders, nine of whom caught lead.

One Down, Nine To Go

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So, yeah, they killed the guy with the gun but in the process did far more damage than the shooter ever intended to do.

Now, what was that about 19-year-olds with artillery in a darkened theater after midnight?

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THE NEWS IS A JOKE

Remember a few years ago how the punditocracy was wringing its hands over the fact that a majority of young people were getting their news from comedy programs like “The Daily Show” and “The Colbert Report“?

Me? I figured standup comedians and improvisational comics couldn’t do much worse interpreting the day’s events than cerebrally flabby blow-hards like Sean Hannity or Chris Matthews.

A Mighty Wind

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Anyway, what passes for today’s current affairs debate has devolved to the point where Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert are elderly statesmen. In fact, if one really wants to get to the meat of a pressing issue these days, one has to click on Cracked.com.

Swear to the god I don’t believe in.

For instance, take a recent Cracked post entitled “5 Ways Modern Men Are Trained to Hate Women.”

(And, honestly, could you imagine any broadcast or cable news outlet even touching that topic? With the recent verbal assaults on Sandra Fluke and rape victims, it’s clear — isn’t it? — that too many men hate the hell out of women around this holy land. Someone’s got to be teaching them how to do it!)

Fluke Took A Beating

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Post author David Wong (oy, I hope that’s his real name) liberally sprinkles the piece with perceptive gems. He begins by recalling Rush Limbaugh’s attack on Fluke. Limbaugh, Wong rationalizes, “is paid to say outrageous things.” It’s the chimps who follow Limbaugh that scare the bejesus out of Wong: “If you really want to feel all dead inside, you need to listen to what the regular folk were saying.”

He quotes commenters on Right Wing sites who described Sandra Fluke in terms that made it look as though Limbaugh were trying to coo into her ear.

“My Darling Slut”

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“Now go to the front page of any mostly male discussion site like Reddit.com and see how many inches you can browse before finding several thousand men bemoaning how all women are gold-digging whores (7,500 upvotes) and how crazy and irrational women are (9,659 upvotes) and how horrible and gross and fat women are (4,000 upvotes). Or browse the ‘Men’s Rights’ section and see weird fantasies about alpha males defeating all the hot women who try to control them with their vaginas.”

No, neither Sean Hannity nor Chris Matthews has touched that one yet.

Wong says movies teach us that it’s a man’s right to be awarded a hot chick after he accomplishes some feat. “When the Karate Kid wins the tournament, his prize is a trophy and Elisabeth Shue. Neo saves the world and is awarded Trinity…, the hero in ‘Avatar’ gets the hottest Na’vi, Shrek gets Fiona, Bill Murray gets Sigourney Weaver in ‘Ghostbusters,’ Frodo gets Sam, WALL-E gets EVE… and so on.

“Hell, at the end of ‘An Officer and a Gentleman,’ Richard Gere walks into the lady’s workplace and just carries her out like he’s picking up a suit at the drycleaner.”

Cleaned And Pressed

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Yeesh!

Wong concludes, “From birth we’re taught that we’re owed a beautiful girl…. It’s why every Mr. Nice Guy is shocked to find that buying gifts for a girl and doing her favors won’t win him sex. It’s why we go to ‘slut’ and ‘whore’ as our default insults — we’re not mad that women enjoy sex. We’re mad that women are distributing to other people the sex that they owed us.”

I doubt if one in twenty Gender Studies classes comes close to hitting that nail on the head.

Want more? Wong’s got it. He quotes from a Right Wing site where men were discussing the merits of then-US Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan. One man said the Kagan is, “So fugly, I’d say ‘Don’t even look’!!!” Another man agreed: “This person is disgusting and I would never trust ‘it’s’ [sic] opinion on ANYTHING!”

Oh, Why Couldn’t Obama Have Nominated A Babe!

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Wong writes that a woman’s “role in society or level of accomplishment doesn’t matter. Even if she’s a damned candidate for the Supreme Court, the female always has a dual role: to function as a person, and to act as decor.

“And we get pissed if she doesn’t do her job…. She owes it to us to be pretty.”

Man.

Wong has plenty more to say about American misogyny. Go there and read the piece for yourself. After doing so, you’ll understand a lot more about men than if you’d studied a hundred “serious” articles in the New York Times Magazine.

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Here’s how I waste my time. How about you? Share your fave sites with us via the comments section. Just type in the name of the site, not the url; we’ll find them. If we like them, we’ll include them — if not, we’ll ignore them.

❏ I Love Charts — Life as seen through charts.

❏ XKCD — “A webcomic of romance, sarcasm, math, and language.”

❏ Skepchick — Women scientists look at the world and the universe.

❏ Indexed — All the answers in graph form, on index cards.

Indexed

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❏ I Fucking Love Science — A Facebook community of science geeks.

I Fucking Love Science

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❏ Present/&/Correct — Fun, compelling, gorgeous and/or scary graphic designs and visual creations throughout the years and from all over the world.

❏ Flip Flop Fly Ball — Baseball as seen through infographics, haikus, song lyrics, and other odd communications devices.

❏ Mental Floss — Facts.

❏ Sodaplay — Create your own models or play with other people’s models.

❏ Eat Sleep Draw — An endless stream of artwork submitted by an endless stream of people.

❏ Big Think — Tapping the brains of notable intellectuals for their opinions, predictions, and diagnoses.

❏ The Daily Puppy — So shoot me.

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Electron Pencil event listings: Music, art, movies, lectures, parties, receptions, games, benefits, plays, meetings, fairs, conspiracies, rituals, etc.

Saturday, August 25, 2012

◗ Twin Lakes Recreation Center — IU Bloomington Cricket Club, Hoosier Cup 2012; 7:30am

◗ City Hall, Showers Plaza — Farmers Market; 8am-1pm

◗ Rogers Elementary School — Kappa Kappa Sigma Garage Sale & Bake Sale; 8am-noon

◗ IU Jordan Avenue Parking Garage — Fall Bike Auction; 9am

◗ Tibetan Mongolian Buddhist Cultural Center — Mind Training through Pain & Disability series, presented by Ani Choekye; 10:30am

◗ WonderLab — National Dog Day Celebration: Greyhounds; 1-4pm

◗ IU Mathers Museum of World Cultures — “The Arms of the Shire of Mynydd Seren,” demonstration by members of Bloomington’s Society of Creative Anachronism branch; 1:30-4pm

◗ Monroe County Public Library — Session 3, Basic Literacy Tutor Training; 1:30-5pm

◗ IU Cinema — Film: “Shane”; 3pm

◗ IU Cinema — Film: “Hannah Takes the Stairs”; 6:30pm

◗ Ryder Film Series — “The Well Digger’s Daughter” at IU Fine Arts; 6:45pm

◗ Oliver Winery, Creekbend Vineyard — Music: Jenn Cristy; evening, call for exact time

◗ Muddy Boots Cafe, Nashville — Music: Kevin Bruener; 7-9pm

◗ Brown County Playhouse, Nashville — Music: Carrie Newcomer; 7:30pm

◗ Ryder Film Series — “Take this Waltz” at IU Woodburn Hall; 8pm

◗ Cafe Django — Music: Post Modern Jazz Quartet; 8pm

◗ The Player’s Pub — Music: Pet Monkey; 8pm

◗ The Comedy Attic — Garfunkel & Oates; 8 & 10:30pm, Both shows sold out

◗ IU Memorial Union, Whittenberger Auditorium — UB Films: “The Avengers”; 8pm

◗ Ryder Film Series — “The Pigeoneers” at IU Fine Arts; 8:45pm

◗ Bear’s Place — Music: Cooked Books, Energy Gown; 9pm

◗ Max’s Place — Music: White Lightning; 9pm

◗ The Bluebird — Music: Main Squeeze; 9pm

◗ IU Cinema — Film: “LOL”; 9:30pm

◗ The Root Cellar at Farm Bloomington — Queen & Bowie dance party; 10pm

◗ IU Memorial Union, Whittenberger Auditorium — UB Films: “The Avengers”; 11pm

ONGOING

◗ Ivy Tech Waldron Center — Exhibits:

“40 Years of Artists from Pygmalion’s”; through September 1st

◗ IU Art Museum — Exhibits:

“A Tribute to William Zimmerman,” wildlife artist; through September 9th
Willi Baumeister, “Baumeister in Print”; through September 9th
Annibale and Agostino Carracci, “The Bolognese School”; through September 16th
“Contemporary Explorations: Paintings by Contemporary Native American Artists”; through October 14th
David Hockney, “New Acquisitions”; through October 21st
Utagawa Kuniyoshi, “Paragons of Filial Piety”; through fall semester 2012
Julia Margaret Cameron, Edward Weston, & Harry Callahan, “Intimate Models: Photographs of Husbands, Wives, and Lovers”; through December 31st
“French Printmaking in the Seventeenth Century”; through December 31st

◗ IU SoFA Grunwald Gallery — Exhibits:

“Media Life,” drawings and animation by Miek von Dongen; through September 15th
“Axe of Vengeance: Ghanaian Film Posters and Film Viewing Culture”; through September 15th

◗ IU Kinsey Institute Gallery — “Ephemeral Ink: Selections of Tattoo Art from the Kinsey Institute Collection”; through September 21st

◗ IU Lilly Library — Exhibit, “Translating the Canon: Building Special Collections in the 21st Century”; through September 1st

◗ IU Mathers Museum of World Cultures — Reopens Tuesday, August 21st

◗ Monroe County History Center — Photo exhibit, “Bloomington: Then and Now” by Bloomington Fading; through October 27th

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08/23/2012

The Pencil Today:

✍

THE QUOTE

“The agenda of the Republican Party is to limit access to health care services. It’s to deny women equal pay for equal work. It’s to cut funding for Planned Parenthood. And it’s to select as a vice presidential nominee someone who co-sponsored legislation with Representative [Todd] Akin to redefine ‘rape’.” — Elizabeth Warren

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KEEP TALKING, WOMAN!

Quite frankly, I haven’t had enough of Elizabeth Warren, candidate for the US Senate from Massachusetts. So here’s more:

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FREE SPEECH

Here are some of the guests speakers at IU this fall, straight from the Themester announcement page:

Werner Herzog, filmmaker — Friday, September 14th
Chaz Bono, LGBTQ activist — Wednesday October 4th
Robert Gibbs, former White House press secretary, & Karl Rove, Republican political strategist — Thursday, October 16th
David Lacks, son of the subject of the bestseller, “The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks” — Wednesday, November 14th

Rove

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All are open to the public.

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ORAL ARGUMENTS

Have you checked your state’s statutes recently?

If not, you may find that you broke the law last night. Or this morning. Or even as you read this.

That’s because as many as 18 of these great United States have laws on the books banning the catch-all “sodomy,” which includes the giving and receiving of fellatio and cunnilingus.

So the next time you hear the phrase, “Pitchers and catchers report,” it might not mean baseball spring training is about to begin. It may mean you’d better start packing your toothbrush for an extended stay in your state’s correctional inn.

Enjoy Your Stay!

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Teehee — I’ll bet there’s a mad dash of Pencillistas doing Google searches right now.

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LOVE TO LOVE YOU, BABY

Something for you to listen to while you flout the laws of this holy land.

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❏ I Love Charts — Life as seen through charts.

❏ XKCD — “A webcomic of romance, sarcasm, math, and language.”

❏ Skepchick — Women scientists look at the world and the universe.

❏ Indexed — All the answers in graph form, on index cards.

❏ I Fucking Love Science — A Facebook community of science geeks.

❏ Present/&/Correct — Fun, compelling, gorgeous and/or scary graphic designs and visual creations throughout the years and from all over the world.