Category Archives: Homophobia

Hot Air

Schadenfreude & Innocent Joys

Now and then good things happen:

• Arizona Guv Jan Brewer vetoed that state’s vile refusal-of-service bill directed against homosexuals. Conservatives are having apopolexy at this moment because, clearly, the veto is meant to enslave all Christianists. The uber-pious of this holy land were calling AZ’s SB1062 a law ensuring “freedom” for those who buy into the notion of a Big Daddy-o in the Sky. See, those god-ists want to be able to shun and discriminate against a class of human beings because that Big Daddy, apparently, told them to do it. Freedom, right?

From Media Matters

● The National Enquirer was forced to finance a playwrights’ grant well into the future because that rag had published a weird (what else?) accusation that a straight man was Philip Seymour Hoffman’s gay lover and fellow freebase freak. That straight man got all huffy after his schoolboy son pointed out the headline informing anencephalic America that Pops dug men and dope. The straight man sued and — presto! — the Enquirer settled because, natch, they hadn’t a leg to stand on. Now the rag must bankroll something to be called the American Playwriting Foundation which will award a yearly $45,000 prize for a selected, unproduced play.

Hoffman/Katz

Hoffman & David Bar Katz: Not Lovers

[Note: Don’t embarrass yourself and try to point out that I’ve spelled one word playwright and another playwriting. The spellings are correct.]

● The Bruster’s ice cream palace at the junction of SR 46 and SR 446 — a guilty pleasure mecca virtually visible from my back porch — opens for the season tomorrow. Whee! BTW: Now that gay marriage is becoming more and more acceptable to Ma & Pa Kettle, ice cream marriage is sure to follow. Count me in.

Bruster's

Oh, Baby

The Chocolate Moose, meanwhile, remains open daily from 11am-7pm until the Sky Gods come to their senses and remember Bloomington is not Bismark, North Dakota.

● Have I mentioned Krista Detor‘s new CD and book package are now on sale at the Book Corner? Yup, her Flat Earth Diary and the accompanying Notes From the Bridge will cost you a cool $22. So, whip out that wallet and support your local canary and book peddler at the same time.

Flat Earth Diary

● Still looking for that silver lining: My beloved Chicago Cubs have not, as yet, lost a game in 2014. The season starts in five weeks.

Joe Camporeale/USA Today

Photo: Joe Camporeale/USA Today

● Finally, an old radio hit that’s been pleasantly earworming me for a couple of weeks now. I figured I’d share, so here:

Hot Air

And The Answer Is…

Time for a quiz.

In what year did the following events and actions occur?

Cossacks horse-whipped women.

Kazaki

Citizens reacted to news of FDR’s death.

● At least four state legislatures considered bills to restrict the teaching of evolution and biology in schools.

● Fully one quarter of the nation’s population was unaware that the Earth revolves around the Sun.

● Another state legislature worked diligently on a law to deny certain people the right to marry.

● Lawmakers working hand-in-hand with wealthy donors succeeded in defeating a labor movement.

Plutocrats

● A man running for Attorney General of a large state told victims of domestic violence they should stop complaining and be thankful they have men.

● A learned, accomplished black man was characterized as a “subhuman mongrel” and a “chimpanzee” by a celebrity spokesbeing for a Right Wing political organization.

● A southern state OK’d a Confederate flag display.

● Yet another white man was exonerated for killing a black man whose actions mildly disturbed him.

Lynching

● Athletic team officials worried that a homosexual man may taint their locker rooms.

● A state legislature voted to permit teachers to spank students (so long as they don’t leave any marks).

Choose One:

  • 1907
  • 6 BCE
  • 1892
  • 1066
  • 2014

Salem

1692?

Hurry now and make your selection: Time flies!

Shop Local

Krista Detor’s brand spanking new CD and accompanying book are on sale now at the Book Corner. And she’ll be peddling both the Flat Earth Diary and Notes from the Bridge when she dashes off to Europe for a live tour this spring. She’ll hit Germany, Holland, England, and Scotland.

Flat Earth Diary

Tons o’B-towners dig Detor the most, but it’s a good bet not too many will stage-door-Johnny her all the way across the Atlantic Ocean just to get their mitts on her stuff. So buy it here in So Cen Ind. Whaddya waiting for?

Detor

Detor

BTW: KD and Arbutus Cunningham have tinkered with their sweet musical, The Breeze Bends the Grass, and, in fact, have come up with a whole new shebang of it. The re-designed and re-imagined four-act theater production will debut at the Brown County Playhouse in Nashville on June 6th.

Oh yeah, that Detor gal is a juggler.

The Pencil Today

Nancy

The family and friends of our town’s Nancy Hiller are grieving today. No details are necessary. Only that they’ve suffered a great loss. They need peace and time to heal.

They’re awfully lucky they have someone near them as strong as Nancy. She’s been one of my heroes since I first heard of her here in Bloomington. It may be a while before I hear her cackle again at the Book Corner. Her loved ones will know time is passing, and they are healing, when they hear her laugh once more.

Hiller

To Out Or Not To Out

Let’s say there’s a United States Senator who’s gay. He doesn’t want it known because he represents a conservative state, oh, South Carolina, for instance. He feels he can lead his state and vote for its best interests and that his sexual feelings are irrelevant to that end. He also knows that should his sex life become public knowledge, he’ll be drummed out of office quicker than a pol who believes Barack Obama was born in this holy land.

This Senator is, naturally, a conservative. That’s alright in my book. Free-spending, free-thinking liberals, progressives, and borderline radicals such as the kingpin of this media empire need to be balanced off in public discourse by those who are more in favor of belt-tightening and tradition. That’s how I view a good conservative: One who watches our pennies and is prudent and cautious in terms of societal and moral change.

Scene from "It's a Joke, Son"

So, our So. Car. Sen. is a good conservative. He throws federal nickles around, to borrow football legend Mike Ditka’s reference to his boss, George Halas, like manhole covers. He calls for time to ponder legislation that upends dearly held conventions.

When a national issue affecting homosexuals arises in the Senate, our fictional legislator keeps mum. He advocates for neither side in the debate. He may even absent himself when votes on things like a federal marriage amendment to the Constitution come up. He is terribly uncomfortable when put in that position. But he feels his other work on behalf of his fellow S.C.-ers outweighs any need for him to take a stand on an issue in which he has such a profound personal interest.

Now, I would rather him come out in a press conference tomorrow morning. I would rather him shake his fist and holler that all people deserve rights and respect, no matter whom they sleep with.

But coming out is such a thorny proposition. I can accept someone making the apparent moral compromise that this putative Senator has made. Therefore, if someone got the idea to out him against his will, I would find that to be a dirty, rotten trick.

Fair enough?

Okay, let’s take the example of another Congressbeing, this one on the other side of the Capitol, in the House of Representatives. This legislator, too, is gay. He also keeps his sex life well under wraps. Just like our imaginary Senator, he’s afraid his constituents in his conservative district would yank him out of office in the snap of a finger if his choice of sex partners became known.

In fact, this Representative is so afraid of losing his position of power and authority that he adopts a stance that is completely contrary to his own sexual lifestyle. He loudly rails against homosexuality. He’s all in favor of a Constitutional marriage amendment. He fights against every piece of legislation intended to broaden the rights of lesbians, gays, and other sexual outlaws.

His homophobic stance actually draws more voters to him in his very conservative district. It can be said one of the reasons he remains a US Representative is his tireless work to stymie advances for the homosexual community.

What if reporters and investigators were to air evidence that this man is gay? Would they be doing him wrong?

I just flipped through my moral code book and right there on page 23 it says, plainly and clearly: “He has absolutely no room to complain. Out away!”

Fair enough?

No matter. This latter scenario may not be imaginary. Illinois 18th District Congressbeing Aaron Schock, a Republican (what else?) was essentially outed against his will this week by freelance gay reporter Itay Hod. Schock, who’s been the object of gay rumors for ages, has gone so far as to switch his Instagram account from public to private in an effort to ward off the onslaught.

From The Smoking Gun

The Faces Of Aaron Schock

I won’t say we hate hypocrisy in this great nation, considering the fact that we tolerate it every day, 24 hours a day. We not only tolerate it, we demand it. It’s truer to say we love it. Most times.

In a case like Schock’s, the rumors and evidence (if true and accurate) are sure to inflame observers of both sides of the fence. The Left will attack him because he’s closeted and a homophobe. The Right, simply because he’s gay.

Either way, Schock’s political career looks to be dead in the water. But if those asserting “proof” that he’s gay are wrong, I can only hope their careers are just as dead.

Huzzahs For Parking Meters

A coupla guys kicked my petite, sensitive, and delicate posterior yesterday via the comments section of this communications colossus.

I’d written that Bloomington’s new downtown parking meters are “universally despised.” Peter Kaczmarczyk yelled at me to “get out of [my] echo chamber.” He sez he digs metered parking because “I can now find parking when before I could not.”

Loyal opposition Minister of Truth, David Paglis of “The Region,” wagged his finger at me, writing, “What alternative source of city funding do you propose?”

I gather I should have clarified my position once again. I’m not at all against the meters. I know the city needs dough. I also know the city wants to crack down on college students monopolizing precious downtown parking spaces with their mom-and-dad-paid-for, aircraft-carrying SUVs.

In fact, I’ve written that those calling for the heads (and seats) of Mayor Kruzan and the City Council Six are acting awfully drama-queenish. Most of the outcry against the meters has been of an exaggerated, hyperbolic, the-sky-is-falling nature.

My take is the meters will contribute in only the teensiest way to an already extant metamorphosis of the courthouse square from that of a collection of quaint, independent merchants to loud, expensive watering holes, many of which likely will be financed by outsiders.

As for me living in an echo chamber, I can only say that I based my broad brush stroke pronouncement on the everyday discussions I have with customers, restaurant owners, and merchants who are very nearly unanimous in their distaste for metered parking. And, as a matter of fact, I regularly tell customers that finding parking is a hell of a lot easier around the Book Corner now.

Thanks for commenting, guys and gals.

That’s all for today. Peace, Love & Soul.

Post-war On Christmas Hot Air

Peace Is At Hand

Huzzah, the war is over! Who won?

Santa & Guns

God’s Lobbyists

The Indiana Family Institute is headquartered, appropriately enough, in Zionsville.

Makes sense, considering the outfit is awfully Jesus-y.

The IFI calls itself a “non-partisan public education and research organization.” Which, right off the bat, is a lie. Its charter, focus, blogs, and and other efforts are directed almost exclusively toward leaning on congresscritters to vote along Jesus-y lines.

In 2013, we learned how scads of similar organizations, in order to avoid paying taxes, say they’re serving the public weal and don’t ever even think about trying to sway public opinion from the pulpit.

Case in point, this morning I read this blog headline on the IFI website splash page:

Screenshot from IFI website

Politics, baby, pure and simple.

Nothing would please me more at this moment than for the IRS to order outfits like the IFI to whip out their checkbooks and start scribbling.

The IFI, according to science and religion writer Clay Farris Naff in the Huffington Post, is one of the prime movers behind HJR-6, the pending Indiana statehouse resolution that would call for the flamboyantly straight majority in this great state to piss all over the idea of gay marriage.

Politics, pure and simple.

See, the resolution is the first official step in the process to add an amendment to the Indiana state constitution that Right Wingers, holy rollers, and closeted elected officials hope will quash the idea of officially recognized homosexual love once and for all. Because that, my friends, is the biggest threat to our liberty, our civilization, and our carefully crafted collective hetero facade.

It’s voting, dig? First the statehouse votes to put the proposed amendment before the people. Then the people vote, up or down, on the amendment.

Voting. Politics. Any questions?

The IFI focuses on three main issues:

Or, to put it all in more straightforward language, making sure religions can discriminate against anyone they desire, making sure gays don’t infect the rest of us, and stopping sluts from getting preggers.

“The IFI Network,” its website crows, “is making the difference in Indiana, and you can be part of this important work.”

Screenshot from IFI website

Politics In The IFI Blog

Clearly, one of the most effective ways of “making a difference” is pressuring legislators to push forward on anti-gay action.

Politics.

The single initiative the IFI trumpets is its Hoosier Congressional Policy Leadership Series. It’s a monthly class for ‘interested professionals” looking to learn how to play footsie with “top policy leaders.”

In other words, how to be a lobbyist.

Politics.

“The program’s mission is to advance conservative policy and faith-based servant leadership principles with community leaders…,” the website reveals.

It’s bad enough I have to share air I breathe with people who are convinced the mythical creator of the Universe has been whispering in their ears, but making me foot a sliver of their bill for foisting their cocksure morality and biblically-rationalized hatreds and fears on the rest of us is too much.

Folks, we have to make these plaster saints pay their own freight. Make them pay taxes.

Then I’ll ask them to keep their fever dreams and religious hallucinations to themselves. I don’t ask them to believe in my crazy fantasies, do I? When’s the last time you heard me calling for the general populace to revere the word of my lord and savior, Theo Epstein?

Epstein

Our Father, Who Art In The Front Office….

Sunday Morning Hot Air

Hit Or Myth?

The brutal murder of Matthew Shepard back in 1998 really kicked Americans into high gear to begin accepting gay people.

Shepard

Matthew Shepard

Before Matthew Shepard, most straight people in this holy land (that is, pretty much most people) shrugged when the issue of gay rights came up. After Matthew, only hard-core haters and fundamentalist zombies found it acceptable to heap scorn upon homosexuals. Without Matthew Shepard, gay marriage probably would have been an easy ten years down the road rather than the expanding right it is today.

The young University of Wyoming student’s execution was the equivalent of Bull Connor’s police dogs and fire hoses being used against black civil rights demonstrators in Birmingham, Alabama in May 1963.

Shepard Fence

Crime Scene

The kid’s death became a touchstone for anyone who wanted to declare her- or himself a supporter of GLBTQ concerns or, for that matter, any minority group. Just saying the name Matthew Shepard and shaking your head sadly communicated to one and all where you stood on a huge variety of issues.

If ever there was a martyr, it was Matthew Shepard.

Now comes a book that portrays Shepard’s killing as revenge for a drug deal gone bad.

The Book of Matt posits that Shepard was a meth user and a mule. The author suggests he’d screwed up an associate’s deal and was whacked for it.

Sounds like a history-jumbling invention by some holy roller who is certain homosexuality will be the downfall of Murrica. The book could have been written by one of the thankfully dead Andrew Breitbart’s apostles or Jerome Corsi or some paranoiac loon from World Net Daily.

Google the words matthew shepard book and take a wild guess what comes up first (below the obligatory ad for several such tomes). Yep, a Fox news headline about Shepard’s purported drug involvement:

From Google

Despite the current general distaste for homophobia, there are still enough dopes out there who are so petrified of catching gay cooties that they gaze fixedly at Fox News for warnings that compulsory sodomy is just around the corner. Oh, and that gay people are really nothing more than meth heads.

The whole thing is creating yet another new brand of Truther-ism, whose goal is to skewer the “gay grievance industry.”

Surprise: Author Stephen Jimenez is gay.

Jimenez

Who Is This Man?

Already, folks are jumping with both feet on Jimenez’s methodology, research, and conclusions. At best, Jimenez is a courageous defender of the truth, at worst a gay analog to the self-hating Jew.

Me? I don’t care what Stephen Jimenez is. For that matter, I don’t care what Matthew Shepard was. I didn’t need the story of his murder — true or not — to be on the side of humanity. All humanity.

It’s a damned shame America needed such a gory story to kick it over to the right side of history and morality.

Hot Air Today

Stupido

So there’s wailing and shrieking over the interwebs regarding the Barilla CEO insulting gays. As there should be.

Not only that, Guido Barilla said, essentially, that women belong in the kitchen, stirring a big pot of rigatoni.

◗ Big Mike Point No. 1: Guido Barilla’s a dope.

Barilla

Guido Barilla

I don’t care how his comments hurt his company. That’s his lookout. And clearly it doesn’t bother him that many of his customers are going to give him and his pastas the Italian salute:

If (gays and lesbians) like our pasta and our message, they will eat it. If they don’t like what we say, they will eat another.

That’s Guido explaining himself to Reuters. Apparently, he has forgotten that gays and lesbians have families, friends, and supporters. A huge number of them will never buy Barilla pasta again. This kind of thing lasts a long time. For instance, it’s a safe bet many of my loyal readers to this day do not drink Coors products.

◗ Big Mike Point No. 2: Don’t buy Barilla products.

This is going to hurt me a lot more than it hurts you. I make pasta every Wednesday like a good Sicilian son. And guess what — Barilla is my brand. Well, no more. Stick your homophobia and your sexism straight up your ass, Guido.

Barilla Ziti

Ciao, Ziti

Cibo é Veleno

The Barilla dust-up brought to the fore Bloomington’s food fetishists again. To wit: a pal of mine wrote on Facebook that she won’t eat Guido’s penne rigati et alia anymore.

Well, this horrified one commenter for a reason that might surprise you:

Pasta is terrible for u! Sooooo unnaturally dense that it spikes the shit out of your insulin level. Only thing worse are bagels.

“Pasta is terrible for u!”

Do I need to type that again? Okay.

“Pasta is terrible for u!”

Dig? The commenter was aghast that my pal puts vermicelli in her body!

Vermicelli

Danger!

I’m getting the feeling that there’s a subset of people around this town who are anti-food. I mean, what in the hell do these people eat? Pasta, out. Bagels, out. Meat, I would assume, out. Dairy products, out. Name any food category and you’ll find a local gang of true believers who equate it with arsenic.

People, people, people — the human body is extremely resilient and protective of itself. And the sentient among us know not to shove entire packages of Oscar Mayer bologna into our face holes morning noon and night. That would be somewhat akin to taking a dose of arsenic. But jeez! Let a gal eat a bowl of cavatelli once in a while without stoning her to death, wouldja?

BTW: The head line for this entry is Italian for Food is Poison.

Buon appetito!

Food, Glorious Food

Air. Hot.

Let ’em Eat Cake

One in seven Americans puts food on the table with the help of Food Stamps.

That’s 14 goddamned percent of our brothers and sisters in this holy land.

Without Food Stamps, many millions of our brothers and sisters would go hungry or suffer insufficient nourishment.

Food Stamps

The Republican House leadership, meanwhile, doesn’t give a holy shit about its American brothers and sisters. In fact, the Tea Party-led party doesn’t even consider all Americans to be related to them. Not when so many Americans are brown or black or equipped with ladyparts or, ugh, poor.

As you well know if you’re a loyal reader, I call America a holy land only in the spirit of smart-assedness.

Lavish Banquet

No Poors Allowed

We are not holy.

Girls, Ugh!

Speaking of holy, Pope Frankie has made a name for himself as a progressive. Well, relatively so, in comparison to his immediate predecessors and the boys club that constitutes the leadership councils of the Holy Mother Church.

Pope Francis

Occupy The Vatican

He has, for instance, spoken eloquently about the poor and the growing inequality of wealth across the globe, and against war and our “culture of waste.” Cool, so far.

Not long ago, he speculated that atheists who lead good lives might even gain entrance to heaven.

In July, il Papa shrugged and said, “Hey man, who am I to judge? in regard to folks who dig sex with members of, well, their own sex.

Cool again, eh?

But wait, there’s more. A wide-ranging interview with Pope Francis reveals that the successor to St. Peter, the Bishop of Rome, the Vicar of Christ, the rock upon which the Roman Catholic Church stands, and the most powerful man in the world who wears a tiara pronounced that his outfit has become obsessed of late. “We cannot insist only on issues related to abortion, gay marriage, and the use of contraceptive methods…,” he said. “It is not necessary to talk about these issues all the time.”

He also added, “I have never been a right winger.”

Wow.

It’s as though good old Jorge Bergoglio is lobbying to become the Michael Moore of the sacred set.

Francis/Moore

Separated At Birth?

The Pope is teeing a lot of people off, natch. Anti-abortionists in this holy land at this very moment are searching for evidence that Bergoglio is a socialist, a commie and, for that matter, not even born into the Catholic religion. I misplaced the link but I’m pretty sure someone, somewhere, has accused him of producing a phony baptismal record.

As for the gay thing, well, scads of grown men who have taken vows never to have sex with women and who wear skirts are tut-tutting and wagging their fingers at the Pope. He admits, “I have been reprimanded.”

Nevertheless, he still holds the crozier. Hell, you’d think the Church is a mere rubber-stamp vote away from ordaining women as priests.

Whoa. Not so fast.

Either because he is against the idea or he can read in the tea leaves that his cabinet and the rank and file among the priesthood might rise as one against him were he to come out for the ordination of women, Pope Francis said in the interview that there’s no chance women will become mid-level managers within the Catholic corporation. Unsaid, of course, is the understanding that they’ll never, ever, ever reach the boardroom. “The door,” he said, “is closed.”

Now we know: The worst sin a Catholic can commit is to possess a vagina.

Woman Is The Nigger Of The World

 

Your Daily Hot Air

Why You, I Oughtta….

Do not ask me why this fascinates me, but it does. I learned last night that one Morton Horowitz, a gas station operator in Los Angeles in the 1940s, developed the idea of the self-service gas pump and had them installed at his 18 locations.

Not only that, Horowitz’ stations also featured pretty dames, often on roller skates — he called them “Change Girls,” whose duty was, natch, to bring customers their change.

Allan Grant Photo

[Allan Grant Photo]

So the fact that several entire generations have grown up not even knowing that at one time you drove into a gas station, ran over a bell tripper, and waited for a gas jockey to come out to fill your tank, check your oil and water, and even wash your windshield is attributable to some anonymous LA small businessman.

Only he wasn’t totally anonymous. He was, in fact, the son of one Samuel Horwitz*, born March 11, 1895, in Manhattan. Sam Horwitz became better known as Shemp Howard.

Yes, the Stooge. Weird, huh?

Shemp Howard

Happy Father’s Day, Shemp!

* The family name is cited as either Horowitz or Horwitz in different sources

[h/t to Mental Floss and the site’s Amazing Fact Generator, which got the dope from Find A Grave.]

Genetics

My soulmates at Wonkette tell us that a couple of Republican Congressbeings’ sons have proven recently on social media that the asshole doesn’t fall far from the tree.

The spawn of House members Jeff Flake (Ari.) and Joe Heck (Nev.) have waxed poetic about homosexuals, dark-skinned folk, and Mexicans on the likes of Twitter and Facebook.

From Wonkette

Heck’s kid posits that god has a plan for population reduction that incorporates gays, because “[F]aggots can’t have babies.” He also feels that the New York Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez is not as fast at getting rid of the ball as he is at “hop[ping] the border.” Oh, and that Barack Obama must be good at spear-chucking and rock-skipping because those are “the sports they do in his home country.”

Quite the little philosopher, eh?

The fruit of Flake’s loins firmly believes that the thief or thieves who stole his dirt bike (from a church parking lot, no less) are “faggots.” The kid also uses the terms “nigga” and “nigger” fairly regularly in his Facebook posts.

Flake/Heck

Flake & Heck

Flake’s boy, BTW, also is an aficionado of the online game, Fun Run, wherein his screen name is “NiggerKiller.”

Talk about fun!

Both Congressbeings have apologized for the sins of their progeny (oddly enough, they won’t apologize for their own legislative sins which are far more injurious than their kids’ sticks-and-stones misdeeds.) And both members of this holy land’s premier lawmaking bodies insist their sons are swell eggs who’ll grow up to be pillars of society.

To which I can only reply, Point of order, Mr. Chairman…!

I’m Bugged At My Ol’ Man

The Pencil Today:

THE QUOTE

“When you carry a gun, you mean to harm somebody, kill somebody.” — Bill Cosby

A LITTLE ANTHONY IN BLOOMINGTON

The stars were out yesterday afternoon in front of Williams Jewelry on Walnut Street.

Bloomington’s political heavyweights came out to dedicate an historical plaque honoring Susan B. Anthony’s appearance at the long gone Presbyterian church that once stood on the present day site of the Redmen Building.

(From Left) Kruzan, Moore, Thomas, Zietlow, & Crabtree

Mayor Mark Kruzan, City Clerk Regina Moore, County Commissioners Iris Kiesling and Julie Thomas (elect), County Prosecutor Chris Gaal, County Council members Cheryl Munson (elect), Geoff McKim and Julie Thomas, Bloomington common council member Susan Sandberg, and, of course, the grande dame of local politics, Charlotte Zietlow, all made the scene in the brilliant sunshine.

A group of some fifty citizens watched as speakers told the story of Anthony speaking at the Walnut Street church back in 1877 when she toured the country pushing for women’s suffrage.

Shirley Fitzgibbons & Cathi Crabtree Unveil the Plaque

The respective women’s commissions of Bloomington and Monroe County sponsored the plaque. The fact that Anthony spoke here only became known again in recent months. Shirley Fitzgibbons of the county commission and Cathi Crabtree of the Bloomington bunch unveiled the plaque after the pols had their say.

One sad note: Sophia Travis also worked to make the plaque a reality. After the ceremony her father offered Cathi Crabtree tearful congratulations.

QUEER REASONING

How weird is it that satire can so easily be confused with reality these days?

Case in point: The Daily Currant, an Onion wannabe, ran a piece the other day headlined, “Santorum Claims Homosexuals Stole Election.”

What looks to be about half the commenters on the piece expressed shock and revulsion that Pennsylvania’s most notable altar boy had jumped (bare)back onto his fave bandwagon — the fag monster that hides under his bed every single night of his life.

Little Rickey: Always Thinking

Dig: Santorum thinks about gays more than most gays think about gays; GOP loyalists insisted not only to the bitter end but beyond that their boy Mitt was going to win — this despite the fact that a total of zero independent polls showed him ahead; and, finally, much of the Republican reaction to Tuesday’s election at least hints that fraud was committed in the name of the secret Muslim, socialist, fascist abortionist who was granted a second term.

Ergo, the Cassock Kid coming out with a lavender-tinged conspiracy theory sounds perfectly reasonable. A story about Santorum telling CNN that homosexuals have staged a junta in this (formerly) holy land is no more ridiculous than, oh, Glenn Beck advising his flock to buy farms, pull their kids out of school, and stock up on guns in the wake of the president’s reelection.

Beck: Arm Yourselves, Real Americans!

Here’s the Daily Currant “quoting” Santorum on the “plot”:

I see the hand of the homosexual in this massive election fraud. Romney was tied or leading in most polls before the election. And then he loses? Homosexual dirty tricks. It is the only explanation that makes sense.

He goes on to accuse noted gays such as David Geffen and Elton John of having the money and the power to initiate a Mattachine overthrow.

It could have been a virus in the election machines, the Currant has him saying.

It’s all a gag — something I suspect Little Rickey knows an awful lot about.

GUN PLAY

Oh, and speaking of guns, you had to know this was coming: Gun sales have gone through the roof since Tuesday.

Gone Shoppin’

Barack Obama’s reelection seems to have caused millions of pot-bellied white men to believe their genitalia are shrinking. That’s my take on the gun sales surge.

“Experts” claim jes’ plain folks are snapping up the artillery because they fear Obama will crack down on gun ownership. The problem is, they did the same thing after he was elected in 2008 and Obama did absolutely nothing about guns during his first term.

The dwindling population of pasty-faced reactionaries who still can’t believe a brown man is their leader are arming themselves to the teeth because they honestly fear that, as a soon-to-be minority, they’ll be discriminated against, forced to live in ghettos, and denied equal rights under the law.

Makes sense. After all, that’s the way they‘ve always treated minorities.

The only events listings you need in Bloomington.

Sunday, November 11th, 2012

CLASS ◗ Dagom Gaden Tensung Ling MonasteryIntroductory course on Buddhism; 10pm

FAIR ◗ Holiday InnBloomington’s Spirit Fair, Consult with psychics & tarot readers, Shop for New Age objects, Booths for numerology, astrology, reiki, crystal healing, and palmistry; Through Sunday, 10am-5pm

WORKSHOP ◗ IU Mathers Museum of World CulturesCherokee basket weaving; 10am-4pm

CELEBRATION ◗ Trained Eye Arts CenterThe Big One: Trained Eye Arts 1-year Anniversary, Featuring live music, games, performers, studio open house; Noon

MUSIC ◗ IU Ford-Crawford HallMaster’s Recital: Nicholas Cline, composition; 1pm

OPERA ◗ IU Musical Arts Center — “Cendrillon (Cinderella),” Presented by IU Opera Theater; 2pm

MUSIC ◗ IU Auer HallDoctoral Recital: Pei-San Chiu on flute; 2pm

MUSIC ◗ IU Musical Arts Center Recital HallJunior Recital: Caleb Wiebe on trumpet; 3pm

FILM ◗ IU Cinema — “White Material“; 3pm

MUSIC ◗ IU Ford-Crawford HallSenior Recital: Peter Meyer on clarinet; 3pm

ROUNDTABLE ◗ IU Poynter CenterLearning to See: Food Justice; 4pm

MUSIC ◗ IU Auer HallInternational Vocal Ensemble, Katherine Strand, director; 4pm

MUSIC ◗ Muddy Boots Cafe, NashvilleDavid Sisson; 5-7pm

MUSIC ◗ IU Ford-Crawford HallDoctoral Recital: Tze-Ying Wu on viola; 5pm

TRIBUTE ◗ Buskirk Chumley TheaterUnlikely Bedfellows: Sophia Travis’ Art of Life; 5:30-7pm

MUSIC ◗ The Player’s PubDarryl Robinson & Tim O’Malley; 6pm

MUSIC ◗ IU Auer HallBrass Choir, Edmund Cord, director; 6pm

FILM ◗ IU Cinema — “Holy Motors“; 6:30pm

STAGE ◗ IU Ivy Tech Waldron Center, Auditorium Comedy, “Alfred Hitchcock’s 39 Steps“; 7pm

FILM ◗ Bear’s PlaceRyder Film Series: “17 Girls“; 7pm

FILM & COMEDY ◗ The Comedy AtticDocumentary: “Road Comics: Big Work on Small Stages,” Performance: Stewart Huff; 7pm

MUSIC ◗ IU Auer HallGuest Recital: Kuss Quartet; 8pm

MUSIC ◗ IU Musical Arts Center Recital HallJunior Recital: Joseph Frank on cello; 8:30pm

MUSIC ◗ IU Ford-Crawford HallDoctoral Recital: Tina Chong on piano; 8:30pm

MUSIC ◗ The BluebirdMatishyahu; 9pm

MUSIC ◗ The BishopShovels & Rope, Carey Murdock; 9pm

ONGOING:

ART ◗ IU Art MuseumExhibits:

  • “Paragons of Filial Piety,” by Utagawa Kuniyoshi; through December 31st
  • “Intimate Models: Photographs of Husbands, Wives, and Lovers,” by Julia Margaret, Cameron, Edward Weston, & Harry Callahan; through December 31st
  • French Printmaking in the Seventeenth Century;” through December 31st
  • Celebration of Cuban Art & Film: Pop-art by Joe Tilson; through December 31st
  • Threads of Love: Baby Carriers from China’s Minority Nationalities“; through December 23rd
  • Workers of the World, Unite!” through December 31st
  • Embracing Nature,” by Barry Gealt; through December 23rd
  • Pioneers & Exiles: German Expressionism,” through December 23rd

ART ◗ Ivy Tech Waldron CenterExhibits through December 1st:

  • “Essentially Human,” By William Fillmore
  • “Two Sides to Every Story,” By Barry Barnes
  • “Horizons in Pencil and Wax,” By Carol Myers

ART ◗ IU SoFA Grunwald GalleryExhibits through November 16th:

  • Buzz Spector: Off the Shelf
  • Small Is Big

ART ◗ IU Kinsey Institute GalleryExhibits through December 20th:

  • A Place Aside: Artists and Their Partners
  • Gender Expressions

ART ◗ IU Mathers Museum of World CulturesExhibits:

  • “¡Cuba Si! Posters from the Revolution: 1960s and 1970s”
  • “From the Big Bang to the World Wide Web: The Origins of Everything”
  • “Thoughts, Things, and Theories… What Is Culture?”
  • “Picturing Archaeology”
  • “Personal Accents: Accessories from Around the World”
  • “Blended Harmonies: Music and Religion in Nepal”
  • “The Day in Its Color: A Hoosier Photographer’s Journey through Mid-century America”
  • “TOYing with Ideas”
  • “Living Heritage: Performing Arts of Southeast Asia”
  • “On a Wing and a Prayer”

BOOKS ◗ IU Lilly LibraryExhibits:

  • The War of 1812 in the Collections of the Lilly Library“; through December 15th
  • A World of Puzzles,” selections from the Slocum Puzzle Collection

ARTIFACTS ◗ Monroe County History CenterExhibits:

  • Doctors & Dentists: A Look into the Monroe County Medical Professions
  • What Is Your Quilting Story?
  • Garden Glamour: Floral Fashion Frenzy
  • Bloomington Then & Now
  • World War II Uniforms
  • Limestone Industry in Monroe County

The Ryder & The Electron Pencil. All Bloomington. All the time.

The Pencil Today:

THE QUOTE

“We’re doomed.” — Rush Limbaugh

THE NEW ORDER

Ooh, we’re excited here at Bloomington’s favorite communications colossus!

First we’ve been authorized by the federal government to continue operation after President Barack Obama’s order to shut down any and all TV and radio stations, newspapers, magazines, and interwebs sites that are deemed dangerous to the newly renamed United States of the World.

Huzzah! The Electron Pencil has been named a Communications Organ of the People!

We’ve always striven to be an organ of one sort or another.

Second, the Federal Emergency Management Administration wants us to pass along some vitally important directives to The People. FEMA’s notification is reproduced, in part, below:

Here is the gist of FEMA’s order:

♠ All guns being held by private citizens must be turned in no later than midnight, Saturday, November 10th, 2012 (that’s today, so hurry!)

♠ The new Tithing for the Poor program mandates that all working Americans must hand over 10 percent of their weekly income to the welfare queen or pimp of their choice

♠ Any and all registered Republicans must sign a loyalty oath to the New Order — it begins, “I pledge allegiance to the Social Bureaucracy of the United States of the World…”

♠ Tea Party members will be required to report to FEMA’s Attitude Readjustment camps by Wednesday, November 21st, 2012 — they will not be allowed to participate in Thanksgiving festivities as that racist, imperialist celebration has now been outlawed

♠ Grandmas of the USW will be required to report to their local Death Panels as soon as possible

♠ All public buildings must now prominently display the al Qur’an

♠ A United Nations representative will be visiting your home within the next few weeks — you are to cooperate fully with him or her

♠ All American women of child-bearing age must undergo an abortion procedure by the end of the year — those who are not pregnant at this time must become pregnant by December 1st, 2012 — those women who have difficulty finding a mate can apply for assistance from the USW Social Stud Service, staffed exclusively by men of African extraction

♠ American business owners must close their businesses by the end of the year

♠ All white males in excess of 50 percent of the population must leave the country — preference for those who are allowed to remain will be shown for weak, near-sighted, flat-footed males who exhibit a proclivity to enjoy showering with other males

♠ All Americans must engage in a minimum of one (1) homosexual act each year

We at The Electron Pencil are proud to do our share in the remaking of America. And we pledge allegiance to our Dear Leader!

The only events listings you need in Bloomington.

Saturday, November 10th, 2012

FOOD ◗ City Hall, The Showers BuildingFarmers Market; 8am-1pm

ARTS & CRAFTS ◗ University Baptist ChurchBloomington Glass Guild Holiday Show; 10am-5pm

ART ◗ TC Steele State Historic Site, NashvilleMember Art Show; 10am-5pm

WORKSHOP ◗ IU Mathers Museum of World Cultures — Native American Beading; 10am-4pm

ARTS & CRAFTS ◗ First United Church of Bloomington27th Annual Fiber Art Show & Sale; 10am-5pm

FAIR ◗ Holiday InnBloomington’s Spirit Fair, Consult with psychics & tarot readers, Shop for New Age objects, Booths for numerology, astrology, reiki, crystal healing, and palmistry; Through Sunday, 10am-pm

ARTS & CRAFTS ◗ Bloomington Convention CenterBloomington Handmade Market Holiday Sale, Featuring 48 regional artists & craftspeople; 10am-5pm

BOOKS ◗ Howard’s BookstoreAuthor Terry Pinaud signs his book, “Chaos“; 11am-3pm

SPORTS ◗ IU Memorial StadiumHoosier football vs. Wisconsin; Noon

DEDICATION ◗ Monroe County Courthouse Square, East Side, The Redmen BuildingCeremony for the installation of the Susan B. Anthony historical marker plaque; 1pm

MUSIC ◗ IU Ford-Crawford HallBassoon Studio Recital: Students of Bill Ludwig & Kathleen McLean; 1pm

MUSIC ◗ IU Musical Arts Center Recital HallMaster’s Recital: Steven Marquardt on trumpet; 1pm

STAGE ◗ IU Halls TheatreDrama, “Spring Awakening“; 2pm

CELEBRATION ◗ Trained Eye Arts CenterThe Big One: Trained Eye Arts 1-year Anniversary, Featuring live music, games, performers, studio open house; 3pm-Midnight

MUSIC ◗ IU Musical Arts Center Recital HallSenior Recital: Rico D. Hamilton, tenor; 3pm

STAGE ◗ IU Ivy Tech Waldron Center, Auditorium Comedy, “Alfred Hitchcock’s 39 Steps“; 3pm

MUSIC ◗ IU Ford-Crawford Hall — Voice Studio Recital: Students of Teresa Kubiak; 3pm

FILM ◗ IU Cinema — “Beau Travail,” Filmmaker Claire Denis will be present; 3pm

MUSIC ◗ IU Auer HallArtist Diploma Recital: Eun Young Seo on piano; 4pm

MUSIC ◗ IU Sweeney HallMaster’s Recital: Matthew Peterson on jazz piano; 4pm

MUSIC ◗ IU Ford-Crawford HallHarpsichord Studio Recital; 5pm

VETERANS DAY ◗ Bloomington High School South — “A Tribute to Elvis,” Live music, Proceeds go to Disabled Veterans Wish Foundation; 5:30-7:30pm

MUSIC ◗ IU Auer HallViolin Studio Recital: Students of Kevork Mardirossian; 6pm

FILM ◗ IU Fine Arts TheaterRyder Film Series: “Two Angry Moms“; 6:45pm

MUSIC ◗ Muddy Boots Cafe, NashvilleMartha Burton; 7-9pm

LECTURE ◗ IU CinemaJorgensen Guest Filmmaker Series: French filmmaker Claire Denis; 7pm

MUSIC ◗ IU Ford-Crawford HallSenior Recital: Jamie Kim on clarinet; 7pm

FILM ◗ IU Woodburn Hall TheaterRyder Film Series: “17 Girls“; 7:15pm

STAGE ◗ IU Halls TheatreDrama, “Spring Awakening“; 7:30pm

STAGE ◗ Ivy Tech Waldron Center, in the Rose FirebayDrama, “The Rimers of Eldritch,” Presented by Ivy Tech Student Productions; 7:30pm

STAGE ◗ Bloomington High School NorthComedy/drama, “Ondine“; 7:30pm

PERFORMANCE ◗ Buskirk Chumley Theater — “A Potpourri of Arts in the African American Tradition,” Featuring the African American Dance Company, the African American Chorale Ensemble, and the IU Soul Revue; 8pm

MUSIC ◗ The Player’s PubRitmos Unidos; 8pm

MUSIC ◗ IU Auer HallBaroque Orchestra, Stanley Ritchie, director; 8pm

MUSIC ◗ First Christian Church — “Masses & Madrigals: Ancient & Modern,” Performed by the Bloomington Chmaber Singers, Conducted by Gerald Sousa; 8pm

OPERA ◗ IU Musical Arts Center — “Cendrillon (Cinderella),” Presented by IU Opera Theater; 8pm

STAGE ◗ IU Ivy Tech Waldron Center, Auditorium Comedy, “Alfred Hitchcock’s 39 Steps“; 8pm

COMEDY ◗ The Comedy AtticGreg Hahn; 8pm

FILM ◗ IU Fine Arts TheaterRyder Film Series: “Keep the Lights On“; 8:15pm

MUSIC ◗ IU Ford-Crawford HallPiano Studio Recital: Students of Jean-Louis Haguenauer; 8:30pm

MUSIC ◗ IU Musical Arts Center Recital HallSenior Recital: Jisoo Kim on piano; 8:30pm

FILM ◗ IU Woodburn Hall TheaterRyder Film Series: “All Together“; 8:45pm

MUSIC ◗ The BluebirdRod Tuffcurls & the Benchpress; 9pm

MUSIC ◗ Max’s PlacePiney Woods; 9pm

MUSIC ◗ The BishopAndy D album release party with Ursa Major, Beverly Bounce House, DJ Eade; 9:30pm

COMEDY ◗ The Comedy AtticGreg Hahn; 10:30pm

ONGOING:

ART ◗ IU Art MuseumExhibits:

  • “Paragons of Filial Piety,” by Utagawa Kuniyoshi; through December 31st
  • “Intimate Models: Photographs of Husbands, Wives, and Lovers,” by Julia Margaret, Cameron, Edward Weston, & Harry Callahan; through December 31st
  • French Printmaking in the Seventeenth Century;” through December 31st
  • Celebration of Cuban Art & Film: Pop-art by Joe Tilson; through December 31st
  • Threads of Love: Baby Carriers from China’s Minority Nationalities“; through December 23rd
  • Workers of the World, Unite!” through December 31st
  • Embracing Nature,” by Barry Gealt; through December 23rd
  • Pioneers & Exiles: German Expressionism,” through December 23rd

ART ◗ Ivy Tech Waldron CenterExhibits through December 1st:

  • “Essentially Human,” By William Fillmore
  • “Two Sides to Every Story,” By Barry Barnes
  • “Horizons in Pencil and Wax,” By Carol Myers

ART ◗ IU SoFA Grunwald GalleryExhibits through November 16th:

  • Buzz Spector: Off the Shelf
  • Small Is Big

ART ◗ IU Kinsey Institute GalleryExhibits through December 20th:

  • A Place Aside: Artists and Their Partners
  • Gender Expressions

ART ◗ IU Mathers Museum of World CulturesExhibits:

  • “¡Cuba Si! Posters from the Revolution: 1960s and 1970s”
  • “From the Big Bang to the World Wide Web: The Origins of Everything”
  • “Thoughts, Things, and Theories… What Is Culture?”
  • “Picturing Archaeology”
  • “Personal Accents: Accessories from Around the World”
  • “Blended Harmonies: Music and Religion in Nepal”
  • “The Day in Its Color: A Hoosier Photographer’s Journey through Mid-century America”
  • “TOYing with Ideas”
  • “Living Heritage: Performing Arts of Southeast Asia”
  • “On a Wing and a Prayer”

BOOKS ◗ IU Lilly LibraryExhibits:

  • The War of 1812 in the Collections of the Lilly Library“; through December 15th
  • A World of Puzzles,” selections from the Slocum Puzzle Collection

ARTIFACTS ◗ Monroe County History CenterExhibits:

  • Doctors & Dentists: A Look into the Monroe County Medical Professions
  • What Is Your Quilting Story?
  • Garden Glamour: Floral Fashion Frenzy
  • Bloomington Then & Now
  • World War II Uniforms
  • Limestone Industry in Monroe County

The Ryder & The Electron Pencil. All Bloomington. All the time.

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